Things to remember from this Christmas...

I want to remember these moments forever. They won't be important to anyone but me. But they meant a lot.

• B's belly laugh when he opened the bacon wallet I bought for him.
• GMA's squak when she got squirted with someone's stocking stuffer squirt gun.
• GMA's peeking aroud the corner while squirting someone else.
• Listening to her complain about being squired.
• Then hearing her insist that everyone tell my absent brother about the water fight we had on Christmas morning.
• The green on Dad's head from getting his elf hat wet.
• Mom sitting back comfortably and saying that it "was a good day" with a smile on her face.

Lonely Holiday Thoughts...

I love Christmas. The lights, the food, the gifts. I have a wonderful family. I spent the day with them today and will be back at the parent's homestead by 10 tomorrow. But at night, when I'm back home alone, I start feeling lonely. I was driving home tonight, feeling sorry for myself. I'm normally pretty comfortable with my singlehood. NO, I'm not coupled, no kids, no significant other. But normally that is pretty much ok. Yes, I would love to be in a relationship and I really REALLY want kids some day soon. But I don't feel it as much as I do on holiday nights.

I was listening to The Night Before Christmas on the radio on the way home tonight and started thinking...There is no mama in her kerchief, no me in my cap. The only one settling down for the long winter's nap is me. Never has my home felt as lonely as it does tonight. Somehow, Direct TV just isn't doing it tonight. Someone out there who needs a hug like I do?

Cats can be funny...

I'm not a cat person, but DAMN this makes me smile...

Crazy Catz

Family

My brother-I don't want to say that I hate my brother. But I truly dislike him. Since he was a teenager, his behavior has been mean, abusive and horrid. I cannot handle being around him-I am just done. I'm not mad or angry or holding resentment for anything. I am just DONE.

He came to town this weekend with his family. I love those little boys of his. But I would rather not be around him. I chose the visits to my parent's houses where they were staying carefully. I appeared right after they left the boys whenever possible.

Yet I know it hurts my parents and grandmother that we can't get along. I prefer not to fight anymore. I would just rather not speak to him. He is an ass. I don't know how else to handle it.

This summer, when he managed to ruin the family's week at the beach due to his behavior and tantrums I realized that if he was not family, if he was a friend, I would break off the friendship. You can't do that with family. I do love him, I suppose, but I can't deal with him any longer. I wish I knew a better way to deal with things, a more mature way. But I can't think of it. I can't handle being around someone who hurts me and those I love the most without saying something. I wish I wish I wish. I wish he was different, I wish I could just sit back and ignore. Hell, I wish I had a million dollars. None of these things are going to come true in the immediate future. I just need to find another way to deal.