Onset of panic attacks...

Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god. I am so freaking out. I put an offer down on a house! Tonight.

This is the scariest thing I have ever done. I am a nervous wreck. I had looked at the house last week but it had an offer on it already. I really liked it and kind of used it as a bench for other houses (most of which are totally meth houses in my price range, by the way). My real estate lady called today totally excited. Apparently the other people offered too low and the declined the offer.

I went back to look at it. I looked around, called my mom and had her come look at it then called and had my dad look at all the guy things.

When I finally decided to make the offer, I started to bawl. I don't cry, I don't know what is up with me. I drove to the real estate office and was totally crying through half of the paperwork. Susan, my real estate lady, kept telling me that we really don't have to do this, but I kept sobbing and saying that I really wanted to buy the house.

I'm finally calmed down and am feeling pretty excited. I know someone else is offering on the same house so we'll see what happens. I'm going to be pretty pissed if I cried in public and don't get the house now.

I think the hardest thing for me is that buying a house is letting go of another dream. You know the one...Where the fab tall dark and handsome comes on his horse, sweeps in and saves me from myself. If I commit to a house, to something this big on my own it means just that-I am on my own. Somehow, it becomes more tangible now. It makes me really sad.

I guess prince charming can come in many forms. Tonight mine came in the form of a 60 year old grandmother who offers to pay the closing costs on a first house for her only daughter. I feel loved and blessed by my family who really does love me, but I also feel more alone than ever.

Fuck, I'm crying again. Time for bed, I guess.