I"m calling it swine flu anyway...

I have been sick. Superbly sick. You name the symptoms, I'll lie claim to them. Boils, pestilence, hair loss, red eye. Yep, I've had them this past week.

I went to the doctor today. They gave me a flu test. That will go down as one of the more painful, unpleasant tests I have experienced. I think I would rather give blood samples or pee in a cup than this.

First the doctor takes something plastic wrapped out from the cupboard. Not able to see it clearly, the naive patient thinks, “Oh no! A needle!” Wrong wrong wrong. It is the biggest, longest q-tip imaginable. The doctor then takes unsuspecting patient by the back of the head, holds tightly and warns them to bear with him for a moment. Then he shoves that q-tip up into your head, through the right nostril presumably far enough to reach brain tissue. Tears were streaming down my face by the time this torture was done. I’m not positive, but I think it lasted 15 or 20 minutes. Or maybe a few seconds. Either way, it was hell. He then rushes out of the room, q-tip held aloft. Obviously not wanting any of my cooties.

So after 20 minutes spent learning the symptoms of an inner ear infection from the handy chart on the wall, the doc returns. He tells me that I do not have the flu, it’s just a virus. So in my newly acquired, deep smoker sounding voice I squeak “This was just a cold?” He sort of pats me on the hand and again says “a vvvvvviiiiiiirrrrrrruuuuuuuuuussssssss” real slow as if I’m sort of special. I mention that colds are viruses. He sort of oh, yeahs that.

Apparently, this crapola cold has been the source of my fun for the past week. I’m totally telling everyone at work that I had the swine flu. If I have to pay $25 to have my right nostril raped, I should be able to use any diagnosis I want.