Tears of the day...

I've been a little moody lately. And by a "little" I mean I am an absolute rollercoaster of ups and downs and by "moody" I mean and huge, giant asshole. Things make me tear up, laugh hard and feel incredibly pissy. Mostly things dealing with work.

Last week was a bad week. My car caught on fire, it broke down, the garbage man tore down the phone lines from my house and I had no telephone or internet for three days. Maybe all of that is why I have had a recent tear of the day.

Sunday-I cried while watching Hogan Knows Best on VH1. It was so stupid. My dad and brothers always watched wrestling, went to the arena shows, saw the matches, watched on tv. I always hated it because it was so violent, so unnecessary and so staged. So I was watching Hulk Hogan fight or wrestle and his kid was watching him on tv from home. He got cut and got hurt-and she started to cry. It somehow made it more real, more realistic than anything else I have seen.

Monday-I was reading a trashy romance novel. The sub-couple (the ones who are the friends or relatives of the main characters) finally admitted their love as normally happens and I just lost it. Something about the dialogue just hit me. They put to words how lonely I feel and how jealous I am of this stupid, not really well written fictional couple. And how I wish I could find with someone what that pretend couple has.

Stupid, I know. But I am feeling pretty lonely lately. And lonely in a different way. There are people around me a lot of the time, but I want to find that one person and he is hiding from me. I want to feel loved and feel like there is someone who really understands me and wants to be with me, even when I am an emotional basket case who is both sad and frustrated and bitchy all at once for a week each month.

Nothing has made me cry yet today. I still have four hours to go until Tuesday is over though. Guess there is still time.

Cinematic fool...

I'm in a movie phase right now. I think I've rented five or six movies in the last week. I watched Lady in the Water today. I didn't think it was as bad as I expected. It was ok, kind of a sweet bedtime story for adults. A little kid would have been bored stiff and I was puttering around the house doing other stuff while watching it. The reviews for it were awful. I tend to think that most of the people watching it were expecting the same caliber of great movie that M. Night whatshisname usually makes and this was a different movie entirely. Not bad, not good-it was ok...

I also watched the Descent this weekend. That movie kind of freaked me out, but not because of the man-eating batmen in the cave. It was the scenes where the women were squeezing thought tiny, tight passages that made me uncomfortable. I felt kind of claustrophobic though the entire thing.

So, to get the freaked out taste from my mouth, I followed that up with Clerks II. What a piece of crap. Maybe it's my mindset-when I saw the original I was 19 or so. Now at 32 I just can't appreciate the humor as much, I suppose. I did see the original a while back and thought it was pretty damn funny though so who knows. I know that the only time when I really laughed was during the donkey show-easily the most disgusting part of the movie. Maybe there is a little of my 19-year-old humor left. My little bro who is coincidentally almost 19, LOVED it. To each their own, I suppose.

Speaking of which, I need to get him a b-day gift asap. Since there is no mall in town, everything must be ordered and I would hate for it not to be here on time. Think I can get an American Eagle order here by the 27th?

Reading...

I went to the library for the first time in YEARS over my Christmas break from work. I don't know that I had been there since I was a kid. Some things have been updated-no more microfiche. Some things have not-the SAME nasty old ladies still work there. They used to scare the holy hell out of me when I was a kid and frankly, they still do a little bit. I should have been a librarian.

I checked out Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman. Great book. I thought the movie was enjoyable, nothing horrible but also nothing wonderful. I had heard that the book was better. I know that if I had read this book first, I would have HATED the movie.

Thinking about it made me ponder-if you love the book is it impossible for the movie to be any good? Someone asked recently what my favorite movie adaptation of a book was and I couldn't answer. Yeah, there are a few great ones but they were mostly made back in the Golden Age. To Kill A Mockingbird really can't be beat. But overall, the movies come up lacking. I wonder, would I have actually enjoyed The DaVinci Code if I hadn't read the book first? Probably not, but I guess you never know.

There was a quote in the last passage of the book that I thinkwas in the movie too. Here goes...

There are some things, after all, that Sally Owens knows for certain: Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Add pepper to your mashed potatoes. Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can.

That just made me smile.

Now I am reading a novel by Elie Wiesel called The Gates of the Forest. I think his writing is splendid. I really enjoyed "Night" (thank you Oprah for the exposure) but it is a bit of a downer as well.

I don't know why, but I really am interested in reading about the holocaust. I secretly believe that my family on my mom's side was Jewish. I think they decided to change that about themselves when they immigrated from the Czechoslovakia/Polish boarder at the turn of the century. There is a picture that my grandmother had of her oldest brother. He sure looked a lot like that Adrian Brody guy who played the Pianist. Jewish features, nose. He died of the flu during WWI. Some of the things my grandmother said about the family's traditions make me think that it is a definite possibility. How sad it must have been to decide to deny your background out of fear or want for ease of persecution. Must be like what some gays feel like today.

Wonder where that picture is today? Hopefully one of my aunts has it somewhere safe so that someone can remember that young man who died too young too long ago.

I hate that I have a fascination with some things... The holocaust, Mary Kay Letourneau, E!. It makes me feel a little shallow and a little morbid all at the same time.

Sick sick world...

My boss said something so horrifying to me today. She recently got a kitten from somewhere. It had been abandoned and when she saw it she fell in love.

Apparently, said kitten is annoying. It has a meow that is loud and piercing and fairly continuous in the morning. The meowing disturbs her while she puts on her makeup in preparation for work. So she is taking the cat to the vet to see if they will sever the animal's vocal cords. I know the vet, he is a pretty old, crusty man. I have to hope that he will tell her to get the hell out of the office. But if it can be done, I'm sure that there is somewhere in town that will be willing to do it for her.

When she said this, I actually put my hand over my mouth in horror-hoping she was making a sick joke. I am completely disgusted. This is a thousand times worse than people who dock tails or clip ears, or even people who declaw. This is just inhumane. I'm disgusted.

Things to remember from this Christmas...

I want to remember these moments forever. They won't be important to anyone but me. But they meant a lot.

• B's belly laugh when he opened the bacon wallet I bought for him.
• GMA's squak when she got squirted with someone's stocking stuffer squirt gun.
• GMA's peeking aroud the corner while squirting someone else.
• Listening to her complain about being squired.
• Then hearing her insist that everyone tell my absent brother about the water fight we had on Christmas morning.
• The green on Dad's head from getting his elf hat wet.
• Mom sitting back comfortably and saying that it "was a good day" with a smile on her face.

Lonely Holiday Thoughts...

I love Christmas. The lights, the food, the gifts. I have a wonderful family. I spent the day with them today and will be back at the parent's homestead by 10 tomorrow. But at night, when I'm back home alone, I start feeling lonely. I was driving home tonight, feeling sorry for myself. I'm normally pretty comfortable with my singlehood. NO, I'm not coupled, no kids, no significant other. But normally that is pretty much ok. Yes, I would love to be in a relationship and I really REALLY want kids some day soon. But I don't feel it as much as I do on holiday nights.

I was listening to The Night Before Christmas on the radio on the way home tonight and started thinking...There is no mama in her kerchief, no me in my cap. The only one settling down for the long winter's nap is me. Never has my home felt as lonely as it does tonight. Somehow, Direct TV just isn't doing it tonight. Someone out there who needs a hug like I do?

Cats can be funny...

I'm not a cat person, but DAMN this makes me smile...

Crazy Catz

Family

My brother-I don't want to say that I hate my brother. But I truly dislike him. Since he was a teenager, his behavior has been mean, abusive and horrid. I cannot handle being around him-I am just done. I'm not mad or angry or holding resentment for anything. I am just DONE.

He came to town this weekend with his family. I love those little boys of his. But I would rather not be around him. I chose the visits to my parent's houses where they were staying carefully. I appeared right after they left the boys whenever possible.

Yet I know it hurts my parents and grandmother that we can't get along. I prefer not to fight anymore. I would just rather not speak to him. He is an ass. I don't know how else to handle it.

This summer, when he managed to ruin the family's week at the beach due to his behavior and tantrums I realized that if he was not family, if he was a friend, I would break off the friendship. You can't do that with family. I do love him, I suppose, but I can't deal with him any longer. I wish I knew a better way to deal with things, a more mature way. But I can't think of it. I can't handle being around someone who hurts me and those I love the most without saying something. I wish I wish I wish. I wish he was different, I wish I could just sit back and ignore. Hell, I wish I had a million dollars. None of these things are going to come true in the immediate future. I just need to find another way to deal.

Bills bills bills...

I had a flash of realization tonight. I paid my bills-everything except the water bill that hasn't arrived yet-and I still have money left over. Not a lot, but there is money remaining. At Christmastime. I'm going to be able to handle this house. I'm going to be ok. It feels so damn good. I have been so scared and nervous but I'm going to be ok. Yay me!

This is my favorite list ever...

TV Land Lists 100 Greatest Catchphrases

I think I have to go with "Doh!" as a personal favorite. Everyone knows that Homer rocks!

Homeownership, fear and cookies...

It is such a weird thing-this being a home owner. I worry about things now that I never thought of before. What's that noise? Is this a leak? If I walk on the grass, will it come back in the spring? And worry about things that I don't normally worry about-money, bills, how much electricity I'm using. It's been cold-how high will that power bill be?

I really don't feel the pride of ownership that I expected. Where is that? Aren't I supposed to be bursting my proverbial buttons or something? Instead of pride, I mostly feel fear. I hate fear.

I guess I should focus on some things that I love instead... Things that make me happy or at least kill a little time now and then. I love the cheesy scene in "10 Things I Hate About You" where Heath Ledger sings. I love cookies. Mmmmm...cookies. I love looking at Craig's List personals to see if I know anyone. (I do hate it when I stumble on penis pics, but that is a whole other story).

Now I need to try to balance my demon-possessed checkbook. Maybe after that, I can try to unpack some more of my house. (Something I think I fear at least a little and certainly hate very very much.) Wish me luck world.

Home...

I spent my first night in MY house last night. It was a surprisingly poor night of sleep. Every creak, every pop or slight noise woke me up. I know I'll get accustomed to the house and it's tweaks, but I am pretty damn exhausted now. Guess I ought to try to sleep now. Maybe tonight will be better.

Done with the floors, moving on...

Finally finally finally the floors are done. I almost cried the other day when we walked in and found a big polyurethane gloop in the middle of the living room. My dad came and sanded it down and we were able to fix it, but oh did I feel sick at first. These floors have been hard work but they look beautiful!

Tomorrow, I paint. I got enough paint to do the bedrooms and the living room and all of the trim in the house. I just spent $160 at Home Depot. Somehow, I suspect that I will be spending more time at the Home Depot that I will at work or with my loved ones. Maybe I can pick up a hunky contractor who loves to paint. Stranger things have happened, right?

Boys and big machines...

Today I finally figured out why guys like using big machines. It is because they are so very much easier to use than little ones. It has nothing to do with penis size or anything like that-it is pure laziness. Think about it-Bulldozer: Big machine, Shovel: Little one. Which one is easier physically to use? Bulldozer. Floor sander: Big machine, Palm sander: Little. I can very safely say, after three days of crawling around on my hands and knees on hardwood floors, that anyone who would rather use the little machine than the big one is totally on crack.

My floors are looking beautiful. The first coat of varnish is on. My knees, hands, legs are black and blue.

Sanding and sanding and sanding...

I sanded floors for 12 hours today. 12 hours. Everything in my body hurts. Even my fingers. But those floors are going to look beautiful when we get done tomorrow some time. There is still more sanding to do tomorrow. I am fairly sure that I will be shedding dust for the next 10 years. And I think my breath is coming out in sawdust puffs-sort of like a dragon.

Tomorrow, we sand more, wipe down with tack cloth and start the first coat of varnish. Then it is time to start picking paints.

Owning a house is exhausting.

It's official, packing sucks...

I woke up today feeling crappy. I vegged most of the day away watching HGTV and finding ideas for my new house. I apparently want to pack my house so little that I am willing to make myself ill to avoid it. Scratchy throat, sore ear, cough. Yep, I am a total headcase.

Now that it is 8 pm I am finally feeling a bit better and have found some motivation. I packed for 30 minutes straight and was surprised by how much I got accomplished. The laundry room is ready to go. Now on to the kitchen.

Part of the difficulty is that I still need to keep enough stuff out to live so I can't pack an entire room at a time. Mostly I have been focusing on the crap catching areas so far. Maybe that is part of the problem. Much of the stuff I am putting in boxes should be going to Goodwill or the used book store or the trash. Maybe I'll just leave it in boxes when I get to the new house and see what I really need in all of it. If it sits for six months without being missed, it won't ever be will it? I need to continue focusing on a more simplistic, material-free lifestyle. Too bad I like clothes and shoes and books so much.

I did do some searching for paint colors yesterday. I think I'll keep the living room neutral-tanish brown with cream trim and a lighter tan ceiling. The extra bedroom is going to be a pale gender-neutral yellow. I don't want it to be too girly. I am thinking blue for my bedroom but can't find a shade that has appealed to me so far. I like the idea of a light blue but everything looks too much like a baby bootie. I want something peppy and cheerful for my office-maybe red? Or, I could do it in pink. I have always wanted a pink room but have been afraid to do it. It's small. I could make it pink. How cool is it that I can finally do whatever the hell I want and no one else can say anything about it. I may just start an affair with Mr. Sherwin Williams and see where it takes me.

I'm in (kinda)...

Today's big realization is that cleaning a house you almost own is really no more fun than cleaning a house you are renting. In fact, it is quite a bit more disgusting. The previous owners let the funk grow in the bottom of the fridge. I think I puked in my mouth a couple of times while cleaning it. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. I got the ice maker working buy rigging it with a piece of bread tie-I think I may need a part there. I cleaned the funky-dirty stove and self-cleaned the oven. Cleaned the windows, wiped out cupboards, scrubbed bathroom which was in in a surprisingly pristine state.

The best part is that I have the most amazing family ever. I stopped by the parent's house to borrow their shop vac and then ran a couple of errands around town. By the time I got to the new house, my dad pulled up with the lawn mower, trimmers and chain saw and worked on the yard for four hours. It looks MUCH better than it did yesterday and he even got all but one of the sprinkler heads working. My mom came by a bit after that and helped clean. My grandma even joined in and-while she was really in the way more than helping-cleaned her little heart out all afternoon.

I do feel loved today.

Now I am writing this instead of actually doing any of the cleaning or packing that needs to happen in this house. I need to get moving but I just don't want to. Maybe I'll take a nap and will feel better after that.

Finally, It's happened to me...

IT has been weeks-WEEKS since I thought that the house buying process was almost done. I was so wrong. FInally, today, 29 days after signing my buy/sell agreement, I have signed the papers. Now they need to be filed with the county and the mortgage funds need to get to the seller and I will be the proud owner of a large mortgage. Actual ownership of the house comes 5 years down the line when some equity builds.

I was able to get in it though and measure and look around. Tomorrow, I'll clean.

As I was leaving tonight at almost dusk, I did drive by a yard full of cholos. I have never been there after dark. On a Friday. This could be a mistake. Those boys are up to no good too much of the time. And they are the 20-something variety, not the 15-somethings. The kids I can deal with, the adults are kind of scary for me.

Guess I need to start packing now. Yuck.

Goodbye PMI...

So Wells Fargo didn't like something about my loan. My broker called some other places while waiting for their final decision (which they are still working on). This other place will give the same rate AND not charge PMI. That is a little more than $50 per month less in payments. I am very happy about this. I actually felt 10 of the extra 100 lbs lift from my shoulders just now.

Googling can make things worse...

I am totally stressing out today. Stress makes me a pretty horrendous raving bitch. I'm tense. My neck hurts. I may be having a heart attack. Nerves suck. I decided to make myself better by looking in to what my next steps will be once I sign that paper tomorrow. I googled the phrase "I bought a house, now what?" This brought up about 1000 blogs where people ranted and raved about buyers remorse and lemons they purchased. This did not make me feel better. So far, I have packed exactly one box. I think I might just get myself drunk. Maybe that will make me feel better, or at least feel drunk. Either way, could be worse.