Happy yet sad...

The Rah's and Boo's of a half-finished week...

I'll go with the good news first-One of my friends at work found a new job and will have to quit her night job because of it. Guess who she suggested to take her place... That's right, moi. This will bring in a nice chunk of money for me for only six hours of work (give or take) per week. I'm nervous, it's something that I've never done before. But WOW will the money help. And it gives me an opportunity to explore an occupation that I have been interested in for a long time. Yay. I need to do some paperwork and pretty much train myself. I think it could be a trial by fire, but WHEN I succeed the rewards will be great.



The bad-I will really miss seeing my friend every day. Yeah,
she'll be around. But I'm going to miss her. That is always a
bummer. It just won't be the same. But the opportunity for her
is just outstanding. I certainly can't blame her for taking this chance.
And if it looks really great, maybe she can take me along in a year or so!


Other happiness... VH1 Best Songs of the 90's is on for four glorious hours tonight. 'Nuff said.

Other boos... My dad has been unemployed for almost 6 months. I really don't want to share my happy news because I know that either A) He'll feel crappy and sulk because I walked in to a new job and he can't find one or B) He'll totally rain on my joy by bringing up something I don't want to talk about like tax brackets. Yeah, he can suck that way.

So. Rah and boo. Giggle and cry. Day of ups and downs topped by chex mix for dinner. Things could be worse.

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

Two days only.... Two days until my lovely, wondrous, faboo 2-week Christmas vacation. I don't know that I have looked forward to a vacation as much since I was in grade school. I will do nothing I don't want to do during this wondrous 2-week period. Well, except spend lots and lots of time with the family. But other than that, sleep, paint, read trashy novels, shop, play with dog, sleep, watch tv, go to movies, sleep.

Bzzhonestness?

I love being a Bzzagent. It is a chance to try new products and give honest opinions about what you are trying. I have had some great new product experiences-Sonicare toothbrush, anyone? I have received some great books, tried some of the yummiest candy bars ever. It's been a great experience so far.

Since joining, I have noticed one trend that concerns me at times. When you report your Bzz-tell the site about the conversations you have about the products you try out- you can't really be honest. If you explain to the powers that be that you didn't love the product and didn't really bzz (talk about) the product in the most positive light, your reports are scored lower than when you really loved and talked up something.

Example: I thought AOL kinda sucked. Bad scores on reporting. My style was the same, my feedback was honest and complete.

So now, I am stuck in a quandary. I have received a new product: the Sonicare UV Sanitizer. It's ok. I don't really have the faith that it is doing what I think it is supposed to. My brush really doesn't feel any more special or any cleaner. I hope that I'm not brushing with fungi or anything else funky even without using some fancy, counter cluttering appliance.

I have a hard time talking all about something's fabness when I don't believe it. But if I am honest, my bzzscores will go down. What to do, what to do?

Familial Shit...

So I broke myself free of the funk of earlier this week. Then yesterday hit. An entire night with the family. What do you do when those who you love and who supposedly love you most are the ones who make you feel worst about yourself? How to react to that?

One is so notably depressed that nothing will shake them from their funk, the other is a slightly mental bully who somehow makes their life seem better by picking at everyone around them. I never really thought of it, but I do feel worse when I spend lots of time there. What a depressing thought.

Why can't I have one of those close-knit, well balanced and normal families like I see on tv? Is this one of those things like perfect hair or brilliantly white, straight smiles or snappy comebacks that are purely manufactured by skilled screenwriters and cosmetologists? Does what I want even exist or am I setting myself up for disappointment by even wishing it was out there?

I suppose one of the even bigger questions is why I am in my early 30's and still letting my family impact me like this. What kind of unexplored issues lie within me that even make me have these thoughts. Is there something underdeveloped in my psyche? Was my maturity retarded at some stage? Or am I just being an introspective whiner-bag ala 90's Dawson's Creek episodes who just needs to cut the crap?

Suppose it is all food for thought. I have some time, I won't be answering the phone for a while without checking the caller ID to make sure it's not my mom on the other end.

Queen of bitchy...

I have been in the worst mood at work this week. Hell, I've been in the worst mood everywhere lately. I have been thinking about it and have started to realize that my mood crappiness is very connected to the time of year. In the summer, I'm pretty much ok. Mood is fine. I don't bite the heads off everyone who approaches me with a slightly off look on their face, I don't inhale breads like mad. Come November, that all changes. Daylight savings time comes, it is dark when I drive to work, dark when I come home, cold ALL the time. My fridge currenly has SIX types of bread in it.

I did a little research on SAD (via google of course). Not that I like to think of diagnosing myself, but it sure does sound like me. My mood seems to peak after Christmas and picks up by March.

I don't really feel sad exactly, not quite what I expect of depression. But I sure am a mean piss head. I think I have some food for thought. It's not ruining my life, not making me totally miserable. But it sure is making me feel like a raving bitch. Of course, it could be that I just am a raving bitch lately and SAD has nothing to do with it. :)

The Long Winter - Features - The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper

GREAT article about one woman's battle with Depression.

The Long Winter - Features - The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper

Oh! NOW I get it...

Ok, I'm the kind of girl who can drop an F-bomb at a completely inappropriate time. I'm not especially naive. I totally get innuendo. Mostly. But I was just watching a preview for the Dewey Cox story for about the 100th time and I finally (FINALLY!) got all the penis references. Hello? Dewey Cox? Walk Hard? In my dream you're blowing me... kisses? Der.

Blech...

I feel the holiday blues right now. I am way more in debt than I feel comfortable with, feeling a little lonely and sad. Just a bit out of sorts.

I tried to cheer myself up. I put up the tree and decorated it. Made a yummy cake with peppermint sprinkles, went dollar store shopping. It all worked a little, but I still feel out of sorts.

I think I need a Christmas sweetie. And some cookies. And lots of money. And some new shoes and a really cute sweater. And, according to Jack, a little bobble head doll and a hamburger made out of sirloin.

Yeah, I think some of those could make me a little happier. Maybe. Or not.

Teachers, teddy bears and genocide...

Sudan pardons teddy bear teacher - Africa - msnbc.com

I have found this story really fascinating. I find it a little sad too-I have personally found it more interesting to read about a teddy bear and a British teacher than about genocide, 2 million people displaced and international boredom of the fact. What is wrong with us as a society, America? Maybe it is because the teddy bear story personalizes it: I can relate with the teacher, see that she is just like me in some way. Genocide is such a big word-it is hard to wrap your head around it or make it seem real. Sort of like comparing a pipeline explosion to a matchstick. Through experience, you know a matchstick can burn your fingertips. The explosion is a little harder to imagine thus a little less real. It feels like a Hollywood action, not a reality of life. But no matter what, I will always have the memories of my childhood teddy bear to make things real.