Sadness...

I never knew that you could grieve for someone who wasn't gone. I hurt. I can't breathe. My life aches. Tears tremble but don't quite fall. How am I going to get through this?

Why do I think it is all about me? Maybe that is really what grief is. One person's reaction to another's action.

I love my grandmother. She is one of the most important people in my life. My best friend even. She is not well. Her lungs have gone on her. She smoked...40 years ago. Hasn't had a cigarette since the 1960's yet she is paying today.

I know, in my heart, that I should be appreciative of the wonderful 97 years that she has had. Yes, folks, 97. But my whole being still aches to realize that the end is probably nearing and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

I was sitting on the shore of the lake last weekend. She was chatting at me and I was half paying attention, reading a magazine at the same time. I got up, walked around, left her alone from time to time. Kept checking on her. I was sitting around, all of a sudden the chorus of a country song popped in to my head. I haven't been able to get it out since.

You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times. So take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this.

The song is about people growing up too fast, moms looking back. But is really hits me right now.