Things to remember from this Christmas...

I want to remember these moments forever. They won't be important to anyone but me. But they meant a lot.

• B's belly laugh when he opened the bacon wallet I bought for him.
• GMA's squak when she got squirted with someone's stocking stuffer squirt gun.
• GMA's peeking aroud the corner while squirting someone else.
• Listening to her complain about being squired.
• Then hearing her insist that everyone tell my absent brother about the water fight we had on Christmas morning.
• The green on Dad's head from getting his elf hat wet.
• Mom sitting back comfortably and saying that it "was a good day" with a smile on her face.

Lonely Holiday Thoughts...

I love Christmas. The lights, the food, the gifts. I have a wonderful family. I spent the day with them today and will be back at the parent's homestead by 10 tomorrow. But at night, when I'm back home alone, I start feeling lonely. I was driving home tonight, feeling sorry for myself. I'm normally pretty comfortable with my singlehood. NO, I'm not coupled, no kids, no significant other. But normally that is pretty much ok. Yes, I would love to be in a relationship and I really REALLY want kids some day soon. But I don't feel it as much as I do on holiday nights.

I was listening to The Night Before Christmas on the radio on the way home tonight and started thinking...There is no mama in her kerchief, no me in my cap. The only one settling down for the long winter's nap is me. Never has my home felt as lonely as it does tonight. Somehow, Direct TV just isn't doing it tonight. Someone out there who needs a hug like I do?

Cats can be funny...

I'm not a cat person, but DAMN this makes me smile...

Crazy Catz

Family

My brother-I don't want to say that I hate my brother. But I truly dislike him. Since he was a teenager, his behavior has been mean, abusive and horrid. I cannot handle being around him-I am just done. I'm not mad or angry or holding resentment for anything. I am just DONE.

He came to town this weekend with his family. I love those little boys of his. But I would rather not be around him. I chose the visits to my parent's houses where they were staying carefully. I appeared right after they left the boys whenever possible.

Yet I know it hurts my parents and grandmother that we can't get along. I prefer not to fight anymore. I would just rather not speak to him. He is an ass. I don't know how else to handle it.

This summer, when he managed to ruin the family's week at the beach due to his behavior and tantrums I realized that if he was not family, if he was a friend, I would break off the friendship. You can't do that with family. I do love him, I suppose, but I can't deal with him any longer. I wish I knew a better way to deal with things, a more mature way. But I can't think of it. I can't handle being around someone who hurts me and those I love the most without saying something. I wish I wish I wish. I wish he was different, I wish I could just sit back and ignore. Hell, I wish I had a million dollars. None of these things are going to come true in the immediate future. I just need to find another way to deal.

Bills bills bills...

I had a flash of realization tonight. I paid my bills-everything except the water bill that hasn't arrived yet-and I still have money left over. Not a lot, but there is money remaining. At Christmastime. I'm going to be able to handle this house. I'm going to be ok. It feels so damn good. I have been so scared and nervous but I'm going to be ok. Yay me!

This is my favorite list ever...

TV Land Lists 100 Greatest Catchphrases

I think I have to go with "Doh!" as a personal favorite. Everyone knows that Homer rocks!

Homeownership, fear and cookies...

It is such a weird thing-this being a home owner. I worry about things now that I never thought of before. What's that noise? Is this a leak? If I walk on the grass, will it come back in the spring? And worry about things that I don't normally worry about-money, bills, how much electricity I'm using. It's been cold-how high will that power bill be?

I really don't feel the pride of ownership that I expected. Where is that? Aren't I supposed to be bursting my proverbial buttons or something? Instead of pride, I mostly feel fear. I hate fear.

I guess I should focus on some things that I love instead... Things that make me happy or at least kill a little time now and then. I love the cheesy scene in "10 Things I Hate About You" where Heath Ledger sings. I love cookies. Mmmmm...cookies. I love looking at Craig's List personals to see if I know anyone. (I do hate it when I stumble on penis pics, but that is a whole other story).

Now I need to try to balance my demon-possessed checkbook. Maybe after that, I can try to unpack some more of my house. (Something I think I fear at least a little and certainly hate very very much.) Wish me luck world.

Home...

I spent my first night in MY house last night. It was a surprisingly poor night of sleep. Every creak, every pop or slight noise woke me up. I know I'll get accustomed to the house and it's tweaks, but I am pretty damn exhausted now. Guess I ought to try to sleep now. Maybe tonight will be better.

Done with the floors, moving on...

Finally finally finally the floors are done. I almost cried the other day when we walked in and found a big polyurethane gloop in the middle of the living room. My dad came and sanded it down and we were able to fix it, but oh did I feel sick at first. These floors have been hard work but they look beautiful!

Tomorrow, I paint. I got enough paint to do the bedrooms and the living room and all of the trim in the house. I just spent $160 at Home Depot. Somehow, I suspect that I will be spending more time at the Home Depot that I will at work or with my loved ones. Maybe I can pick up a hunky contractor who loves to paint. Stranger things have happened, right?

Boys and big machines...

Today I finally figured out why guys like using big machines. It is because they are so very much easier to use than little ones. It has nothing to do with penis size or anything like that-it is pure laziness. Think about it-Bulldozer: Big machine, Shovel: Little one. Which one is easier physically to use? Bulldozer. Floor sander: Big machine, Palm sander: Little. I can very safely say, after three days of crawling around on my hands and knees on hardwood floors, that anyone who would rather use the little machine than the big one is totally on crack.

My floors are looking beautiful. The first coat of varnish is on. My knees, hands, legs are black and blue.

Sanding and sanding and sanding...

I sanded floors for 12 hours today. 12 hours. Everything in my body hurts. Even my fingers. But those floors are going to look beautiful when we get done tomorrow some time. There is still more sanding to do tomorrow. I am fairly sure that I will be shedding dust for the next 10 years. And I think my breath is coming out in sawdust puffs-sort of like a dragon.

Tomorrow, we sand more, wipe down with tack cloth and start the first coat of varnish. Then it is time to start picking paints.

Owning a house is exhausting.

It's official, packing sucks...

I woke up today feeling crappy. I vegged most of the day away watching HGTV and finding ideas for my new house. I apparently want to pack my house so little that I am willing to make myself ill to avoid it. Scratchy throat, sore ear, cough. Yep, I am a total headcase.

Now that it is 8 pm I am finally feeling a bit better and have found some motivation. I packed for 30 minutes straight and was surprised by how much I got accomplished. The laundry room is ready to go. Now on to the kitchen.

Part of the difficulty is that I still need to keep enough stuff out to live so I can't pack an entire room at a time. Mostly I have been focusing on the crap catching areas so far. Maybe that is part of the problem. Much of the stuff I am putting in boxes should be going to Goodwill or the used book store or the trash. Maybe I'll just leave it in boxes when I get to the new house and see what I really need in all of it. If it sits for six months without being missed, it won't ever be will it? I need to continue focusing on a more simplistic, material-free lifestyle. Too bad I like clothes and shoes and books so much.

I did do some searching for paint colors yesterday. I think I'll keep the living room neutral-tanish brown with cream trim and a lighter tan ceiling. The extra bedroom is going to be a pale gender-neutral yellow. I don't want it to be too girly. I am thinking blue for my bedroom but can't find a shade that has appealed to me so far. I like the idea of a light blue but everything looks too much like a baby bootie. I want something peppy and cheerful for my office-maybe red? Or, I could do it in pink. I have always wanted a pink room but have been afraid to do it. It's small. I could make it pink. How cool is it that I can finally do whatever the hell I want and no one else can say anything about it. I may just start an affair with Mr. Sherwin Williams and see where it takes me.

I'm in (kinda)...

Today's big realization is that cleaning a house you almost own is really no more fun than cleaning a house you are renting. In fact, it is quite a bit more disgusting. The previous owners let the funk grow in the bottom of the fridge. I think I puked in my mouth a couple of times while cleaning it. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. I got the ice maker working buy rigging it with a piece of bread tie-I think I may need a part there. I cleaned the funky-dirty stove and self-cleaned the oven. Cleaned the windows, wiped out cupboards, scrubbed bathroom which was in in a surprisingly pristine state.

The best part is that I have the most amazing family ever. I stopped by the parent's house to borrow their shop vac and then ran a couple of errands around town. By the time I got to the new house, my dad pulled up with the lawn mower, trimmers and chain saw and worked on the yard for four hours. It looks MUCH better than it did yesterday and he even got all but one of the sprinkler heads working. My mom came by a bit after that and helped clean. My grandma even joined in and-while she was really in the way more than helping-cleaned her little heart out all afternoon.

I do feel loved today.

Now I am writing this instead of actually doing any of the cleaning or packing that needs to happen in this house. I need to get moving but I just don't want to. Maybe I'll take a nap and will feel better after that.

Finally, It's happened to me...

IT has been weeks-WEEKS since I thought that the house buying process was almost done. I was so wrong. FInally, today, 29 days after signing my buy/sell agreement, I have signed the papers. Now they need to be filed with the county and the mortgage funds need to get to the seller and I will be the proud owner of a large mortgage. Actual ownership of the house comes 5 years down the line when some equity builds.

I was able to get in it though and measure and look around. Tomorrow, I'll clean.

As I was leaving tonight at almost dusk, I did drive by a yard full of cholos. I have never been there after dark. On a Friday. This could be a mistake. Those boys are up to no good too much of the time. And they are the 20-something variety, not the 15-somethings. The kids I can deal with, the adults are kind of scary for me.

Guess I need to start packing now. Yuck.

Goodbye PMI...

So Wells Fargo didn't like something about my loan. My broker called some other places while waiting for their final decision (which they are still working on). This other place will give the same rate AND not charge PMI. That is a little more than $50 per month less in payments. I am very happy about this. I actually felt 10 of the extra 100 lbs lift from my shoulders just now.

Googling can make things worse...

I am totally stressing out today. Stress makes me a pretty horrendous raving bitch. I'm tense. My neck hurts. I may be having a heart attack. Nerves suck. I decided to make myself better by looking in to what my next steps will be once I sign that paper tomorrow. I googled the phrase "I bought a house, now what?" This brought up about 1000 blogs where people ranted and raved about buyers remorse and lemons they purchased. This did not make me feel better. So far, I have packed exactly one box. I think I might just get myself drunk. Maybe that will make me feel better, or at least feel drunk. Either way, could be worse.

It's almost time...

SO, by 5:00 tomorrow, I could be a home owner. Of course, saying you are a home owner is really a misnomer. In reality, by 5:00 tomorrow, I will become an indentured servant to Wells Fargo and the city of ML for the next 30 years. I may also have to contribute to the college funds of my local plumber and electrician. In reality, I believe by tomorrow at 5:00 I may have a home that owns me.

I'm nervous and scared. Seriously considering taking a roommate to help with the bills. Worried about things that don't matter. Putting off packing because it is not fun. Ya know, the normal stuff of life.

David Bell...

David Bell-that is who my home inspector reminded me of! I knew it was someone. This is obviously a flashback crush-I totally was smitten with David Bell when he played for the Mariner's five or six years ago. I think I'm 14 again. Geez.

I'm tired of myself...

I am tired of talking about my house, tired of thinking about my house, tired of hemmoraging money toward my house. I'm sure everyone around me is also tired of my house. I just wish the hell it was all over and I could move in. Soon I hope.

I had the housing inspection today. Looks pretty good. Needs a new hot water heater, some minor (I hope, estimate to come tomorrow) plumbing repair and repair on the dishwasher. Other than that, nothing too major. It is sold "as is" since it is a repo, so I just need to decide if I can accept it or want to back out of the deal. It's all contingent on the plumbing estimate. Thank God I have the money coming from the sale of my stocks to help pay for all this crap.

I have a tiny married guy crush on the housing inspector. I really liked him. Totally a cutie too.

Ok, time to think of something that is NOT to do with my house. Wonder what's on TV tonight?

I liked both of these when they came across my desk today...

To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die. - Clyde Campbell

The bravest are the tenderest. The loving are the daring. - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

SIMPLE RULES TO LIVE BY…

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman with whom you love to talk. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.
FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.
ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Day three of house watch...

Day three of the house watch...

I resisted driving past the house today. It would have just looked the same as yesterday anyway. I couldn't sleep last night. Excitement, fear, apprehension, plans all swirled around in my head for hours.

Since I know that I have a couple of hours of house purchasing stuff to do tomorrow during work hours, I went in to work tonight for a couple of hours. I try really hard not to let my pesonal stuff get in the way with my work stuff. I don't like the two to twist too much.

During the hours of tossing and turning last night, I realized that excitement is becoming one of my emotions with the process. I'm trying to let myself get not too excited until I get the inspection back. Hopefully, I can get that scheduled tomorrow. That will cost me 250 buckaroos. Oh well, it's only money, right.

Baby bro starts college tomorrow. Good luck to him.

My final thought for the day, straight from Who Moved My Cheese

When you push beyond the fear, you feel free.

Homebuying day two

Today-I panic. How am I going to afford all of this? There are so many things that I will need to pay out for. A shower curtain, a new sprinkler head, a washing machine that doesn't leak. Freaking out, freaking 0ut... Then tonight my dad started talking about how I would need to have something changed over with the electricity. I have no idea what the hell he is talking about and don't really need him adding more money stress on my right now. He can sure be an ass.

Breathe, just breathe. I can do this. I think I may need to take a couple of days off work over the next couple of weeks.

I drove by the house today and the appraiser was there. Hopefully, he finds that the house is worth 20% what I paid for it and I got the deal of the century. A girl can hope, right?

My to-do lists...
New house:
Clean and caulk crack in garage wall
Install lighting fixture in kitchen
Sand and refines floors, especially master bedroom
Buy shower curtain, rods, rings for bathroom
Look at new washers
Paint
Check all sprinkler heads, replace broken ones
Arrange for utilities: Power, Water/etc., cable, phones
Change mail over
Do something with window in bathtub?

Old house:
Deep clean all rooms
Scrub bathroom-mold there is a problem
Start packing and purging, plan for Goodwill donations
Get boxes for packing
Weed/clean out side flowerbed that I have let get really overgrown

For purchase:
Complete remaining paperwork for mortgage
Arrange for home owner's insurance
Schedule house inspection for early next week

There is more, I know that there is much much more.

Agggg...Panic! at the computer. I wish I was married so I could share all this stress with someone! Or at least have someone to ply me with drinks to help me relax.

In other news...My mom has been quite depressed all summer. It was pretty bad. Somehow, she finally got the courage up yesterday to mention it to her doctor and they gave her an antidepressants. Within an hour, she was sure that whatever chemical imbalance had been impacting her was being fixed by the miracle drug. I'm glad she is feeling better, but it always concerns me when someone starts on that path. It just does not seem to have an end. Maybe they gave her a placebo? I can wish at least, right?

House diary part one...

I bought a house today. It's the Ivy Street place. I really do love it and I don't think that in 10 years time I will regret the purchase. But I am scared to death right now. It's not about the responsibility or commitment-it's all about money. I need to find a way to make more of it. I have already decided that I need to make some lifestyle choices: no more lunches or coffee out (150/month in August), cut Blockbuster.com (22/month), transfer to my parent's family cell plan (22/month), change TV provider (22/month), reevaluate car insurance (40/month), stop investing for the time being (45/month). Those small changes will actually make up the difference in my rent and mortgage including insurance, taxes and PMI.

That PMI sure does suck. Too bad I don't have the savings to buy with 20% down. Such is life.

I love and appreciate my mom so much. She has been open with her purse strings in a way that I never imagined. She received an inheritance when my grandmother died. She has held this money close to her, spending it on no one, frittering it away in the same manner that her own mother did. Now she has offered as much as I need-without clarification. And wants to give it to me, not loan it. I will consider this a loan-even if I am 90 when it is repaid.

I have decided to track my emotions through this process. Today I am curiously numb. A little apprehensive. A little excited. Pretty much ok.

I know that my real estate agent was disappointed that I was not more emotional today when I signed papers. I think that since I was so tearful the first time, that she expected some overt enthuaism today. I'm just not feeling it. I'm excited. But sure in my choice. I am not a screamer. I would never make it on stage of the Price is Right or Extreme Home Makeover. I don't scream OH MY GOD with seven exclamation points behind the words. It's just not me, not my MO. Rookie realtor will just have to deal.

Books, books, books...

When reading, I can tell if a book has not fully caught my imagniation. I wander off a bit, ponder things that have nothing to do with the plot, sometimes cast the movie... Things that are not truly relevant to character development or enrichment of the story. However, when I am interested and wrapped in to the novel, I'm stuck. I keep on the track of the author. I let them lead me.

When I recently read Night, I never deviated. I never pondered how Liam Neeson would look as the father. Never thought of a famous 20-something as Elie. Just never happend. It seldom happens when I am reading a well crafted love story, novel, or business manual. But it does happen.

I finished Dean Koontz's Forever Odd today. It totally happened with this book. I loved the first story of Odd Thomas. This time, it just didn't focus me well. I kept thinking about who would do well if they ever created the movie. And the characterizations were really not all that complementary.

For Odd, I kept thinking either that creepy boner-med guy, Smiling Bob or maybe Toby McGuire's character from Pleastville. Neither really compliments the hero that Odd can be.

Smiling Bob (Yuck)

For his friend the police cheif, the guy from Monk. Totally and without question.

Thinking of his fat friend Ozzie, one came to mind as well:

Maybe it's just me.

Ivy Street, isn't that cute?

"My" house is on the market again-and it's price has been reduced. I'm making another offer. One that is $12k less than the first. And I feel good about it. No tears this time or anything. And I really don't think that there will be any tears if they don't accept the offer either. It's too bad that I am dealing with a bank as a seller instead of a person. An individual may be more willing to bargain and barter than a cold business entity. Guess I'll just wait and see what happens. I'm not sharing this with anyone this time. I'll just wait and keep it close to the chest. For now.

This made me really sad...

Poor panda mom...

Panda inconsolable after crushing cub
China's Ya Ya wails and looks for new-born twin she accidentally killed

Kermit rocks..

Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.

Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.

Childhood musings...

A friend of mine is having a baby this winter. She has a teenager and will now have a newborn. This brings back so many memories of my childhood and teenage years. When I was 13 my baby brother was born. What a hard time that was. I was writing an email to her and the memories sure came on-both the good and the bad.

I remember one time when I was 13 or 14 and I had him with me in smart. I have always looked older than my age. The boobs came on early and big in this house. This old lady came up to me and called me a slut to my face because I was a young teenager with a small baby. It makes me so angry now-18 years later-that some old, hateful bitch could do that to me. People are awful.

I can also remember feeling like he was my baby sometimes. I would fall asleep with him on my belly. That baby feeling of total relaxation can't be beat.

There were tough times then too. My younger brother turned in to a destructive, horrid bastard. Our parents were older and really didn't want a 3rd child. He was so abusive and mean-I think he was just looking for the attention-but it didn't stop me from being horribly afraid for what would happen to the baby. I worried about going away to college, who would protect the baby (or the small boy by then)? What would he do to him? To the family?

Even five years later, when I traveled out of the country for the first time, I worried about what might happen. Baby brother was nearly 10 by then. But older brother was living at home. The entire time I was in Mexico, I had nightmares and night terrors of receiving calls saying that he had murdered them. All of them. He is kind of mean and can be out of control now, but back then he was violent and unpredictable and awful. It was a scary time.

Oh yeah, those were the good times. Thank god we all made it to adulthood. Baby bro is now 18 and big enough to care for himself. Brother is out of town, has a family of his own. Mom and dad still aren't that interested in parenting, good thing they are almost done. We all made it somehow.

They blew up Walnut Grove!

So I'm flipping channels tonight, trying to find something to entertain me on this long weekend. And I come across this craptastic offering ~ Little House : The Last Farewell. Now I missed the first half, but from what I summarize the railroad or some other evil 19th century businessman comes along and buys up Walnut Grove somehow. So the fine people of the town blow the whole fucking thing up. That's right. The Ingalls et all use dynamite from the mine and blow up Walnut Grove. There goes all of my childhood memories in a single bang.

I suppose that this is intended to show how the frontier folks of the town are plucky and all, but they still BLEW UP THE TOWN. So so wrong.

I know I watched this show when I was very young and somehow missed this gem. Some of it's other offerings include a mullet-child of Laura and Almonzo. I missed it in my youth, but I'm not sure now how that femme cry baby "Manly" was able to father a child. Shannon Doherty is doing something there. Someone's sister or something. I didn't remember her either. And Laura and family also had this fruity Lost in Space type Dr. Smith living with them.

I am very very glad that I did not see this when I was young. It would have ruined Little House for me forever.

One other note, Willie Olson is much better looking than I remember. Willie, where are you today?

Night...

I just finished reading Night by Elie Wiesel. What a powerful book. And I am really saying that because it is, not just because Oprah said so. Normally, I think Oprah books are pretty crap. This time though, powerful is the best way I can describe it. It is so sparse in it's length in it's words. Somehow, that simplicity makes it more impactful.

I was discussing this book today at lunch. I mentioned how normally I try to rotate my books: read one of substance then allow myself one smut. One of my coworkers said "I don't read to think." As if thinking cannot be part of pure entertainment.

There were a couple of quotes and phrases that really hit me. One was in the preface. It was the original opening of the book...

In the beginning there was faith-which is childish; trust-which is vain; and illusion-which is dangerous.

The final lines of this book seemed just as powerful to me. Who out there who has suffered has not seen the corpse in the mirror themselves? When I see some of the people I work with, try to help, I see that corpse in them. Yet they continue on and continue to live because they have no other choice.

From the depths of the mirror, a corpse was contemplating me. The look in his eyes as he gazed at me has never left me.

I guess one other statement I read in the preface is my final thought for Mary, my coworker who does not like to think.

...I believe it important to emphasize how strongly I feel that books, just like people, have a destiny. Some invite sorrow, others joy, some both.

Tick tock, tick tock...

I got the news that two of my friends from highschool are pregnant. It's #1 for one of them and #2 for the other. I am such a petty bitch but I am more than a little jealous. Tick tick tick...My clock is a-runnin. Guess it is natural at 32, but it is still there loud and clear.

House, Foot and Pluto news...

SO, I made the offer on the house. Yesterday, they accepted. My mortgage guy was nowhere to be seen. Totally MIA. I got pissed off and went to a different agency. They quoted me a lower interest rate and a payment the was way higher. WAY higher. I pondered it and pondered it and slept on it. And decided that I just couldn't do it. I would have been house poor for the forseeable future. With a balloon payment to follow 10 years down the line. I don't want to live like that. Almost half of my take-home pay would have gone to mortgage. I don't want that type of lifestyle. So I called and unoffered. Kind of a bummer but I am really ok with it.

In other news, I got a spider bite on my foot and the whole thing itches and is really swelled up. Hope I don't die. That would suck.

In still other news, RIP Pluto. You are a planet no more. I don't know why I care about that so much. Maybe because my very educated mother can no longer just make nine pizza pies. Who knows?

Onset of panic attacks...

Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god. I am so freaking out. I put an offer down on a house! Tonight.

This is the scariest thing I have ever done. I am a nervous wreck. I had looked at the house last week but it had an offer on it already. I really liked it and kind of used it as a bench for other houses (most of which are totally meth houses in my price range, by the way). My real estate lady called today totally excited. Apparently the other people offered too low and the declined the offer.

I went back to look at it. I looked around, called my mom and had her come look at it then called and had my dad look at all the guy things.

When I finally decided to make the offer, I started to bawl. I don't cry, I don't know what is up with me. I drove to the real estate office and was totally crying through half of the paperwork. Susan, my real estate lady, kept telling me that we really don't have to do this, but I kept sobbing and saying that I really wanted to buy the house.

I'm finally calmed down and am feeling pretty excited. I know someone else is offering on the same house so we'll see what happens. I'm going to be pretty pissed if I cried in public and don't get the house now.

I think the hardest thing for me is that buying a house is letting go of another dream. You know the one...Where the fab tall dark and handsome comes on his horse, sweeps in and saves me from myself. If I commit to a house, to something this big on my own it means just that-I am on my own. Somehow, it becomes more tangible now. It makes me really sad.

I guess prince charming can come in many forms. Tonight mine came in the form of a 60 year old grandmother who offers to pay the closing costs on a first house for her only daughter. I feel loved and blessed by my family who really does love me, but I also feel more alone than ever.

Fuck, I'm crying again. Time for bed, I guess.

Ok. So I am approved for a mortgage. But not approved for one big enough to actually buy anything I would want to purchase and live in. I saw a totally cute place today but it is really really small. I can afford it. I can more than afford it. It is $20k less than my target price. BUT-it is tiny tiny tiny. I do think it is in a neighborhood that is growing and improving. It is an older home. Cinderblock construction and lots of character. Underground sprinklers and a fully fenced yard where I could keep my basset hound to be. Garage. Two beds, one bath. Hardwood floors that need refinishing. Squirrles in the trees and some really cool features on the ceiling of the living room. Lots of potential I suppose.

The weirdest thing? The washer is in the kitchen but the dryer is in the garage. And there is no dishwasher.

However, I would much rather stay here. I like here. I would love to buy here if I could get my dad to agree to sell it to me. I know he dosen't want to. But I want to stay here.

Shit.

Rory Gilmore's Book Club...

I love love love the Gilmore Girls. I found this list from a link from some other site. This is a book list worth aspiring to...

Rory Gilmore's Book Club

I'm a bit embarrassed to find that I have read a grand total of three of the new classics-and one of those was the awful Nanny Diaries. I need to bone up my summer reading list a bit.

I fared quite a bit better with the classics. If you count the movies I have seen of both new and classic books, I do ok.

Note to self-go to the LIBRARY more often!

Mr. Clean and after dinner stalkings...

So, I don't really date much. In fact, I really don't get out of the house much at all. Yes, I get lonely sometimes. Yes, I wish I had someone in my life and at times I feel a tad desperate about it. HOWEVER, I have a yucky, 50-year-old neighbor who is stalking me. He is creeping the hell out of me. I am not that desperate. I have finally found my boundary and 50 and weird it is.

Since I have moved in he has waved at me each time I drive by his house. Ok, I can be as neighborly as the next girl. No problem there. One day, I was one town away from home (about 20 miles away) and I saw him there. He acted like he had just won the damn lottery. I smiled, nodded politely and excused myself.

Yesterday at 7:55-5 whole minutes before I was to be at work-I went running out of my house as norm heading for the car. He pulled up in a truck that was not his. He asked me my name, ok, being neighborly again I gave it to him. He asked if my husband was around, ok, getting a little creepy, then he asked if he could come and have me cook dinner. I smiled, pretended he was kidding and got in my car stat.

Last night, after work, he showed up on my doorstep. He decided that he should come and get to know me. He shoved his way in and sort of freaked me out. Because, like a total dumbass, I had already mentioned that I was single, I couldn't even pretend that my boyfriend/husband was on his way to see me. Then the freak asked me what time dinner was. He was actually expecting it from our converation in the morning.

I finally got rid of him after almost an hour. I didn't know how to get him off my couch and out of my house. I tried to emphasize that I was A LOT younger than him, but that didn't sink in. I tried to emphasize that I work a lot-went right over his head. I finally asked him to leave. Then he suggested that we go dutch to the movies. I told him no and locked the door.

This morning, he left a message on the windshield of my car trying to ask me out again. I feel bombarded in my own home. I park on the street, he knows when I am here. How do I hide from this strange old man? Yuck and yikes!

Oh my god...

This comic is the whole reason that generations of women have such a negative body image and why even pretty thin women have no self esteem. Oh my.

Secret Romance

These are pieces of some others. Horrid. Women of the comic past apparently were scheming, marriage obsessed and not too smart. Why oh why couldn't I have been alive then? Hilarious!

The biggest loan of my life...

It's getting closer. I got a message from my mortgage broker. He says my credit looks great. He is now looking for a low down, first time buyer mortgage for me. Yay me. Scary but exciting. Woo.

Teary eyed Sunday afternoon...

I just watched Legends of the Fall. I have seen the movie eight, maybe ten times. But every time I see it, I cry at the end when Alfred comes and saves the family. I don't know why for sure. Maybe I can relate more with him that with Tristan. This quote kind of rips through me...

I followed all of the rules, man's and God's. And you, you followed none of
them. And they all loved you more.

Home Buying...

I am starting the process of buying a house. I feel so lost. The first step, for me at least, is to talk to a mortgage broker. Guess I'll see what he has to say and then decide if I am ready. I have so many half formed questions in my head. I'm still at the point where I don't even have an entire question to ask. All I really know is that I need more money, I need more down payment and that making a commitment this big scares the holy hell out of me. yikes.

It's hot as hell...

Holy God it is hot here today. I was out in the 106 degree heat for a few hours and thought I was going to die. The high today was 111. I drank a bottle of water an hour all day and never peed once. Hot hot hot!

Thank goodness I am not in NY or some of the other places back east where they have no power. I don't know how people are standing it. Once I got home today, I cranked the AC up, took a nice cool shower and have no plans to leave the house again until it gets dark.

I can remember in college when I spent the summer in Pullman. It was horribly hot (low 100's) and there was no AC in my summer apartment. I would come home from work, take a shower and go to bed. On my days off, I did things like go to whatever movie was playing so I could cool off or go to McDonalds to study since they kept the dining room nice and cool. Some things about growing up aren't bad-feeling like AC is a luxury is surely one of them.

I worry about my 95-year-old grandmother in this heat. I have called to check on her a couple of times today. She's inside and cool and just finished napping while watching tv. Seems to be all good there.

Review time...

I got my yearly appraisal today at work. It was really really good. I so did not expect that. I honestly thought that my score would go down a lot from last year given comments by my supervisor all the time. But it was good. Almost all of the remarks were really positive. I don't know what went on, but I'll sure take it. Rah!

Congrads!

My pet peeve of the day... People who spell congratulations with a "D". Hate it hate it hate it. Around graduation time, it was even spelled that way on the Burger King sign. I was embarrassed for the poor kid who put it up there, even though they probably didn't know any difference. My boss spells it that way. It's always great when she sends an email "Congraduations on the great job, team!" Somehow, I just can't take praise when it is spelled wrong. Guess I'm a snob. I should really work at getting over it. Maybe next week.

Night Terrors...

I learned the term "Night Terrors" recently. Until I heard it, I never had a word or a real way to describe what used to happen to me when I lived in my last town and last house. I used to have episodes (dreams I suppose but they seemed to be so real) where I imagined people wandering around in my house. They would try to steal my money or my checkbook or credit cards. At the time, money was a huge point of stress in my life. I was so deep in debt and so behind on payments.

On night, in real life, I had a stranger knock on the door in the middle of the night. They were fairly innocent, asked for directions. Asked to use the phone which I refused. But the fact that they knocked at three am scared the hell out of me. For months afterwards, I would wake in the morning sure that someone had been at the door again, sure that I had talked to them. At times, even sure that they had been in my home and staring at me while I was in bed.

Oh, these episodes scared me. I think the biggest thing was the absolute feeling that the events were real. Even though I had been asleep in bed for the past eight hours.

I would wake in the morning at four or five or ten-whatever time I needed to wake for work-bathed in sweat and scared out of my mind.

When I was laid off and moved back to home, I never had the dream/episode again. I didn't realize it at the time, but that was part of the reason I was scared to live alone again.... I was worried the terrors would come back.

Interesting, isn't it? Some people are scared of spiders and snakes, monsters, lions and tigers and bears...Oh MY! I was scared of people. Not even people who were espeically scary to look at or talk to. Just people. The mind is a strange thing sometimes. All I know is that it was the scariest six months of my life.

I heard the term night terror again today and it got me thinking about that time. Thank god it's over. Four years have come and gone and those scary feelings have gone away.

Meme Tag...

I've been tagged. I love these things, I'm such a geek.

4 jobs I have held:
Helper Clerk at Safeway
Academic Advisor
Store Manager
Social Worker

4 movies I'd watch over and over: (In my head right now, should I be honest and look stupid and juvenile or lie and seem pompous?)
Grapes of Wrath (pompous)
Bring it On (stupid and juvenile)
To Kill a Mockingbird (I can watch movies based on great American novels, look at me, look at me...)
10 Things I Hate About You (yep, I'm a big kid)

4 places I've lived:
Sandy, Utah
Moses Lake, WA
Lakewood, WA
Pullman, WA

4 TV shows I love/have loved:
Lost
Gilmore Girls
Friends
Northern Exposure

4 web sites I visit daily:
Pretty boring here-Hotmail and MSN
my Yahoo so I can read my daily Boondocks and FBOFW hits
VH1's Best Week Ever Blog
MSNBC

I have no blog friends here, so if someone comes along and reads this. Feel free to friend me and let my know your favorite 4 meme's!

A blog lost and rediscovered...

SO, I have been home, alone and sick for three days now. I'm totally bored and restless but feeling pretty lethargic and crappy still. I am so bored (and coincidentally, boring) that I just googled myself. And under Sunie I found...This blog! I kind of forgot that I had it. It has been sorely neglected since early 2005. I could have had two babies since the last time I wrote in this blog. I could have climbed Mt. Everest and run the Boston Marathon. Of course, I didn't do any of those things. IF I had, I would have had something impressive to blog about, right?

I just finished my yearly vacation to the beach. I do love the beach. There is just something peaceful about the water and the waves and maybe even the realization that their power could crush us all. We went to SeaSide Oregon this year. I wasn't really that impressed. It was ok. Not great. We had an ok time. Not great. The best thing about the trip is that Oregon has no sales tax. That way, when you go to the Liz Claiborne outlet, they only charge you the price of the three handbags and two pairs of sunglasses you buy, not 7.2% more or whatever it is that they charge in Washington.

I turned 32 while we were away. My birthday was also... (wait for it, wait for it...) ok. No big bang there. Fought with my assjerk of a brother before he packed his family up and went home, opened the presents that I expected, didn't get a cake since there were left over cupcakes from my nephew's birthday. We went to Astoria (where they filmed the Goonies-one of the most badass movies, ever!) and looked around, toured an abandoned fort system dating back to the Civil War. Came home and took a nap since I was starting to feel crappy.

Tomorrow I go back to work after 6 glorious days off. Since I am feeling so bored by now, I am almost ready to go back. Wish I was feeling a bit better though. I think I'll go to bed now and pray for health and a less red nose by morning. Go away cough, go away sore throat. I get to go to work tomorrow!!!

Ciao, blog. I'll try to stay in closer touch!