In Defense of a Ringtone...

So, today I'm in my office surfing the internet and trying to look productive. I hear that someone's cell phone needs to Party Like a Rock Star. I turn, expecting to see a 20ish someone who needs to update their ringtone. Instead, I see a 50-something grandmother of two answering. Some things just don't fit.

What does your cell ringer say about you? Is she having a midlife crisis? Her grandkids are little, too young to have added that song. Her kids are 3oish, old enough to know better. This was a choice she made. Interesting. To me, it screams I WANT TO BE YOUNG! with a desperation that is a little scary. When you try too hard, you are doomed to fail.

My ringtone has been the same since I got my first cell phone in 1996 or '97. Vivaldi's Spring. It went from automated sounding, sort of like classical played on a Simon game to the pretty, lilting, realistic version of today. What does this say about me? That I am a creature of habit. That I am a pseudo-intellectual who is trying to impress with my own self importance? Or maybe that the sound is unusual and distinctive and now recognizable by all who know me as mine. While I realize that I'm not alone in my choice, it is not a flavor of the month to be changed at random. It's apparent that I am not a trendster. Nor am I someone holding on to my 20's with white knuckles. I'm just me and that is ok.

What Does Your Ringtone Say About You? - Forbes.com

Hope and sorrow...

I grieved last night. Hard. Like my heart was breaking and would never be the same. I think I needed a night to fall apart, now I am more composed. I'm glad I let myself go that way. But I sure felt like hell at the time. I cried and cried and cried. The dog stared at me like I was crazy. Last night was a night that I really hated living alone.

Today, my brother and family came to visit. I think we all knew that this could possibly be the last. It was a nice day. She was so exhausted though. Slipping away a little at a time.

We have been through these health scares before. She had a new heart valve at 92 and bounced back. I know it's not realistic; but I keep hoping for that grand bounce back. Hoping and hoping and wishing and praying. I have pretty ambiguous religious feelings and beliefs, but I am praying. Throwing hopes up to the sky. Wishes, thoughts, promises.

Sadness...

I never knew that you could grieve for someone who wasn't gone. I hurt. I can't breathe. My life aches. Tears tremble but don't quite fall. How am I going to get through this?

Why do I think it is all about me? Maybe that is really what grief is. One person's reaction to another's action.

I love my grandmother. She is one of the most important people in my life. My best friend even. She is not well. Her lungs have gone on her. She smoked...40 years ago. Hasn't had a cigarette since the 1960's yet she is paying today.

I know, in my heart, that I should be appreciative of the wonderful 97 years that she has had. Yes, folks, 97. But my whole being still aches to realize that the end is probably nearing and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

I was sitting on the shore of the lake last weekend. She was chatting at me and I was half paying attention, reading a magazine at the same time. I got up, walked around, left her alone from time to time. Kept checking on her. I was sitting around, all of a sudden the chorus of a country song popped in to my head. I haven't been able to get it out since.

You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times. So take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this.

The song is about people growing up too fast, moms looking back. But is really hits me right now.

I LOVE Free...

The Freeloader's Toolbelt: 50 Tools to Help You Get Anything Free Online Free Geekery

Real Katrina hero? Wal-Mart, study says - MSN Money

Interesting. A nice way to paint Wal-Mart in a positive light. This does more to make me a loyal shopper than any commercial touting low prices. I especially liked this section:

A Kenner, La., employee used a forklift to knock open a warehouse door to get water for a retirement home.

In Marrero, La., employees allowed police officers to use the store as a headquarters and a sleeping place, as many had lost their homes.

In Waveland, Miss., assistant manager Jessica Lewis ran a bulldozer through her store to collect basics that were not water-damaged, which she then piled in the parking lot and gave away to residents. She also broke into the store's locked pharmacy to supply critical drugs to a hospital.

Real Katrina hero? Wal-Mart, study says - MSN Money

Should you invest in a ballplayer? - MSN Money

Should you invest in a ballplayer? - MSN Money

The 15 tools every homeowner should own - Improve & Repair - MSN Real Estate

The 15 tools every homeowner should own - Improve & Repair - MSN Real Estate

Car repairs, blech...

Two little weeks after paying off my car, I am facing repairs. It is as if the money gods looked down upon me and said "Hey, she thinks things are going ok. Let's send a Murphy at her." A Murphy is of course a variant on the whole Murphy's Law thing. Things are going ok, guess it's time for a roadblock. Fingers crossed that it's under $500.

Nosy neighbors...

I have one of the nosiest, but most well-intentioned neighbors. There are businesses along one side of our street, a rental on one side of me and a single, 50ish lady on the other. She is constantly providing the young, single female (me) with new homeowner tips.

I think she has a love affair of sorts with my roses, for example. I don't really like roses. Don't care for them as a cut flower and really hate how prickly they are while growing in the yard. Apparently, I'm not giving my roses proper care. I honestly don't care about them. They are an entire length of the yard, pink and prickly. Pretty, I suppose. But also a lot of work. She has already told me twice this Spring that I should trim them "way down so they bloom all summer long". Last summer, I didn't take good enough care of them so one day I came home and found that she had trimmed them all herself. I honestly didn't mind, it was one less chore than I had to do.

Now, she is apparently finding fault with the care of my dog, Sami. Sami is a little more than a puppy, a little more than an adult dog. Sort of teenagerish. Which means she has some nasty habits, doesn't like being alone and digs when bored. Since I started working those two days a week, I am home less than I was. According to the neighbor, poor Sami is alone so much that she worries that she is getting depressed. And if I ever think about getting rid of Sami, she would be happy to take her from me.

I don't have any plans to give up my dog or to trim my roses, but I may start planning ways to trim neighbor time away a little more. Where does the line appear between friendly advice and being a big old busy body? How do I remain polite and neighborly without actually doing any of the things she "suggests"? Apartment living never brought up this sort of dilemma. In fact, I was able to successfully avoid meeting most of my neighbors over the 10 years of apartment living. I didn't know then, but that was an ok arrangement for me.

Paid off my car... Woo!

Paid off my car today, woo woo woo woo woo! (That was totally a paid off car song, please set to music.) I am now the total owner of a very used 2001 Ford Escape in need of a new window retinting and some upholstery work. Yay me.

Heh...

What do you know, Roger Clemens isn't as dumb as I thought. Misremembered is a word according to dictionary.com.

"What possible reason would Mr. Pettitte have to fabricate a statement about you, his friend?" an understandably mystified Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-Md.) inquired.

Clemens stood firm."I think he misremembers our conversation," he said.

Catch-up corner...

I bought new curtains this weekend. They are too long to be short, too short to be long. They are the high-waters of curtains. I think my grandma can shorten them for me. I should really learn to sew. Thank god for grandmas.

I'm going on vacation this summer! Yay vacation. I'm excited and it is still five months away. When you are an adult, you have to find your milestones where you can. Somehow, the week at the beach is what keeps me going. Here is our house. Well, at least our house for a week in July.

Tomorrow is a holiday from my day job, but not my night one. At least the day will be only five hours long instead of 14. A partial day off is better than nothing.

I have a bad tooth. I am so fricking terrified of the dentist that I have been putting up with a toothache for the past week. It's not bad most of the time but every now and then something cold will hit it-then HOLY HELL it hurts! I must make an appointment next week. The worst thing? I haven't been to the dentist since returning to ML years ago.

My bro and his family were here overnight this weekend. Since returning from his away-place, he has become just a LITTLE pussy-whipped. OMG. Where did he go? Scary stuff happening, there.

Chinese New Year Horoscope: Tiger - AOL Horoscopes

Chinese New Year Horoscope: Tiger - AOL Horoscopes:
The Year of the Earth Rat will be more challenging for Tigers than last year (ruled by the Fire Pig).You're not going to always get what you want, and may run up against others who have a different objective. Reserve your energy for the battles worth fighting for.

Sad...

Oh, I used to totally crush on him. 1o Things I Hate About You? Amazing. Gay cowboys, hot. I feel personally touched. Things are sad.

Police probe actor Heath Ledger’s death

A grown up veggie-hiding manual...

I need to try some of these. Seems to be a Jessica Seinfield sort of veggie-hiding thing. I have honestly considered buying her book for myself. Wonder if I would like Spinach brownies?

The Carb Lover's Survival Guide - Page 1 - MSN Health & Fitness - Weight Loss

A grown up veggie-hiding manual...

I need to try some of these. Seems to be a Jessica Seinfield sort of veggie-hiding thing. I have honestly considered buying her book for myself. Wonder if I would like Spinach brownies?

The Carb Lover's Survival Guide - Page 1 - MSN Health & Fitness - Weight Loss

More reading stuff..

I just finished reading High Noon by Nora Roberts. It was formulatic and a little boring. In some ways, it is almost like the author is trying too hard to make her heroine smart and competent and capable. It did not seem organic, it was not real. And, a pet peeve of mine... I hate it when an author who is probably in their 50's tries to use slang of today. First of all, it always sounds hokey. Secondly, there is no way that it will hold up in a manner that is respectable in 5 or 10 years. Sort of gives me the gicks.

I'm listening to I am Legend while walking on the treadmill. I have yet to see anyone who resembles Will Smith appear, but I am really enjoying the story. Only thing that would make it better would be to have zombies instead of vampires. I do love me some zombies.

Next up, I'm going to give Wicked another shot. I tried starting it before Christmas but just couldn't get in to it. I do like that my paperback version has lovely green pages instead of the normal tannish color. Adds a little panache.

Happy Smurfday...

I just loved the Smurfs when I was little. It makes me happy to know that there is a possible resurgence. Little things in life to keep you going, huh?

Smurftastic! Belgian-created Smurfs turn 50 - Arts, books, more- msnbc.com

This post is brought to you by the color dreary and the letter sad...

I often think of those commercials ... "Where does depression hurt?" after visiting them. It hurts me to be around them. As if somehow, they are taking my light and sucking it in to that vortex that is their sadness. I wish I could somehow make it all better, but I can't. No one can until they decide to change on their own. I often drive home feeling near tears myself. So sad, almost hopeless. I can't even seem to get them engaged at this point. Tv, books, comfy chairs...those are now their lives. I do not accept this as a normal part of aging. You don't need to become immobile and solitary simply because you have had your 60th birthday.

I don't like teachers...

I attended an in-service with all the other teachers from our area. They are just so self-important. I had forgotten how it can be after being away from academia for so many years. They use words like rubric, realia and pedagogy. Why can't you just use language like the rest of the world? Do you really think it makes you less in the eyes of your esteemed colleagues if you just say graph, example or teaching? Jeez...I know the words, can even spell them, but would I consider using them in every day life? Not so much. Maybe that is why I blog instead of engage in writing the great American novel. Pretension just really pisses me off.

In other news, the Seahawks are getting SPANKED by Green Bay. That's kind of a bummer.

Blogger's spell-check does not recognize realia. Does that mean that all those blow-hard instructors are smarter than the computer? Hopefully, they don't find out. Their heads would swell to ginormous sizes.