Happy yet sad...

The Rah's and Boo's of a half-finished week...

I'll go with the good news first-One of my friends at work found a new job and will have to quit her night job because of it. Guess who she suggested to take her place... That's right, moi. This will bring in a nice chunk of money for me for only six hours of work (give or take) per week. I'm nervous, it's something that I've never done before. But WOW will the money help. And it gives me an opportunity to explore an occupation that I have been interested in for a long time. Yay. I need to do some paperwork and pretty much train myself. I think it could be a trial by fire, but WHEN I succeed the rewards will be great.



The bad-I will really miss seeing my friend every day. Yeah,
she'll be around. But I'm going to miss her. That is always a
bummer. It just won't be the same. But the opportunity for her
is just outstanding. I certainly can't blame her for taking this chance.
And if it looks really great, maybe she can take me along in a year or so!


Other happiness... VH1 Best Songs of the 90's is on for four glorious hours tonight. 'Nuff said.

Other boos... My dad has been unemployed for almost 6 months. I really don't want to share my happy news because I know that either A) He'll feel crappy and sulk because I walked in to a new job and he can't find one or B) He'll totally rain on my joy by bringing up something I don't want to talk about like tax brackets. Yeah, he can suck that way.

So. Rah and boo. Giggle and cry. Day of ups and downs topped by chex mix for dinner. Things could be worse.

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

Two days only.... Two days until my lovely, wondrous, faboo 2-week Christmas vacation. I don't know that I have looked forward to a vacation as much since I was in grade school. I will do nothing I don't want to do during this wondrous 2-week period. Well, except spend lots and lots of time with the family. But other than that, sleep, paint, read trashy novels, shop, play with dog, sleep, watch tv, go to movies, sleep.

Bzzhonestness?

I love being a Bzzagent. It is a chance to try new products and give honest opinions about what you are trying. I have had some great new product experiences-Sonicare toothbrush, anyone? I have received some great books, tried some of the yummiest candy bars ever. It's been a great experience so far.

Since joining, I have noticed one trend that concerns me at times. When you report your Bzz-tell the site about the conversations you have about the products you try out- you can't really be honest. If you explain to the powers that be that you didn't love the product and didn't really bzz (talk about) the product in the most positive light, your reports are scored lower than when you really loved and talked up something.

Example: I thought AOL kinda sucked. Bad scores on reporting. My style was the same, my feedback was honest and complete.

So now, I am stuck in a quandary. I have received a new product: the Sonicare UV Sanitizer. It's ok. I don't really have the faith that it is doing what I think it is supposed to. My brush really doesn't feel any more special or any cleaner. I hope that I'm not brushing with fungi or anything else funky even without using some fancy, counter cluttering appliance.

I have a hard time talking all about something's fabness when I don't believe it. But if I am honest, my bzzscores will go down. What to do, what to do?

Familial Shit...

So I broke myself free of the funk of earlier this week. Then yesterday hit. An entire night with the family. What do you do when those who you love and who supposedly love you most are the ones who make you feel worst about yourself? How to react to that?

One is so notably depressed that nothing will shake them from their funk, the other is a slightly mental bully who somehow makes their life seem better by picking at everyone around them. I never really thought of it, but I do feel worse when I spend lots of time there. What a depressing thought.

Why can't I have one of those close-knit, well balanced and normal families like I see on tv? Is this one of those things like perfect hair or brilliantly white, straight smiles or snappy comebacks that are purely manufactured by skilled screenwriters and cosmetologists? Does what I want even exist or am I setting myself up for disappointment by even wishing it was out there?

I suppose one of the even bigger questions is why I am in my early 30's and still letting my family impact me like this. What kind of unexplored issues lie within me that even make me have these thoughts. Is there something underdeveloped in my psyche? Was my maturity retarded at some stage? Or am I just being an introspective whiner-bag ala 90's Dawson's Creek episodes who just needs to cut the crap?

Suppose it is all food for thought. I have some time, I won't be answering the phone for a while without checking the caller ID to make sure it's not my mom on the other end.

Queen of bitchy...

I have been in the worst mood at work this week. Hell, I've been in the worst mood everywhere lately. I have been thinking about it and have started to realize that my mood crappiness is very connected to the time of year. In the summer, I'm pretty much ok. Mood is fine. I don't bite the heads off everyone who approaches me with a slightly off look on their face, I don't inhale breads like mad. Come November, that all changes. Daylight savings time comes, it is dark when I drive to work, dark when I come home, cold ALL the time. My fridge currenly has SIX types of bread in it.

I did a little research on SAD (via google of course). Not that I like to think of diagnosing myself, but it sure does sound like me. My mood seems to peak after Christmas and picks up by March.

I don't really feel sad exactly, not quite what I expect of depression. But I sure am a mean piss head. I think I have some food for thought. It's not ruining my life, not making me totally miserable. But it sure is making me feel like a raving bitch. Of course, it could be that I just am a raving bitch lately and SAD has nothing to do with it. :)

The Long Winter - Features - The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper

GREAT article about one woman's battle with Depression.

The Long Winter - Features - The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper

Oh! NOW I get it...

Ok, I'm the kind of girl who can drop an F-bomb at a completely inappropriate time. I'm not especially naive. I totally get innuendo. Mostly. But I was just watching a preview for the Dewey Cox story for about the 100th time and I finally (FINALLY!) got all the penis references. Hello? Dewey Cox? Walk Hard? In my dream you're blowing me... kisses? Der.

Blech...

I feel the holiday blues right now. I am way more in debt than I feel comfortable with, feeling a little lonely and sad. Just a bit out of sorts.

I tried to cheer myself up. I put up the tree and decorated it. Made a yummy cake with peppermint sprinkles, went dollar store shopping. It all worked a little, but I still feel out of sorts.

I think I need a Christmas sweetie. And some cookies. And lots of money. And some new shoes and a really cute sweater. And, according to Jack, a little bobble head doll and a hamburger made out of sirloin.

Yeah, I think some of those could make me a little happier. Maybe. Or not.

Teachers, teddy bears and genocide...

Sudan pardons teddy bear teacher - Africa - msnbc.com

I have found this story really fascinating. I find it a little sad too-I have personally found it more interesting to read about a teddy bear and a British teacher than about genocide, 2 million people displaced and international boredom of the fact. What is wrong with us as a society, America? Maybe it is because the teddy bear story personalizes it: I can relate with the teacher, see that she is just like me in some way. Genocide is such a big word-it is hard to wrap your head around it or make it seem real. Sort of like comparing a pipeline explosion to a matchstick. Through experience, you know a matchstick can burn your fingertips. The explosion is a little harder to imagine thus a little less real. It feels like a Hollywood action, not a reality of life. But no matter what, I will always have the memories of my childhood teddy bear to make things real.

WHAT was I thinking?

What in the name of pop culture was I thinking when I added Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter to my Blockbuster.com queue? It is really as bad-if not worse-than it sounds. The first spoken line is "Where are all my lesbians at?" and it pretty much continues to go to total crap from there.

I only lasted 15 minutes but that was enough to know that the title Jesus Christ A) Fights vampires B) Vampires who are lesbians C) are much much taller than Jesus Christ and D) Jesus realizes that life won't be complete without gauges placed in his ear lobes. What a craptastic mess.

The only thing that sort of made sense to me was when someone was reading a newspaper from Ottowa Canada. I know a grand total of one piece of Ottowa trivia and it's something that, if I were an Ottowian, would not be proud of.... Tom Green, he of one ball, Drew Barrymore marriage, Bum song singing.... Tom Green is from Ottowa. Him plus this mess of vampireness. Wow, they must have some serious civic pride.

Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

OMG... As every fat kid knows-this totally works. Who hasn't been there at some point?

Fat Kid Successfully Avoids Ridicule By Swimming With Shirt On The Onion - America's Finest News Source

I like this personal finance blog...

Great budget calculator and a really nice debt repayment feature.

JosephSangl.com

Heh...

Better be careful what you name your kids, folks...
Jamie Oliver gets Shiloh Pitt's name really wrong - ParentDish

TV Show Love...

Ok. New favorite show bar none: Dexter. I am love, love, LOVING Dexter. I have been sick for the past few days and just happened to have the first season waiting for me to watch from Netflix. What a great way to spend sick days at home over a holiday weekend. This show is so enjoyable that I am acutally considering dropping the $20 or so that Showtime would cost me each month. Yay for new (albiet late) discoveries!

I write like an undergrad...

Get a Cash Advance

101 thoughts on losing 100 pounds — life, simply improved

I need to read this frequently. Sort of an inspiring list.

101 thoughts on losing 100 pounds — life, simply improved

Poor, poor pitiful me...

I'm a big Easter egg. I have a hard, tough crust but inside I am really soft and easily damaged. It is really hard for me to accept help from people, especially financial help. A few weeks ago, someone offered to purchase something for me. It will cost around a hundred bucks, but it is $100 that I really don't have right now. Tonight, I mentioned going tomorrow to purchase said item and the person denied ever offering to buy it. It's stupid and silly, but I felt humiliated. This was a family member, older and frankly a little scattered. But I was still so hurt and embarrassed to have brought it up and been denied.

I need to toughen and soften all at the same time. I know that my outer side it so hard to get through. I am abrasive and rough and keep people at arm's length so I don't get hurt. Then something small and minor just breaks my heart.

And the worst part? I cried and made mascara run on my favorite white tee. Now the bastard is probably stained too. I hope to GOD that I am PMSing. Tears over little things like this are just not ok.

What a shitty day in self-centered land.

The greeners have gone too far this time...

How to green your sex life!

Holy crap

Day off randomness...

My farking head hurts today. I think I played too many games of Bejeweled on the Internet today and gave myself a headache. Ouchy. And what a STUPID waste of time! An entire day off and I blow it playing a stupid computer game. What's wrong with me?

I have to teach class all this week. The audience is unwilling and captive. Think it might be a tough one. Especially if I still have a farking headache.

Finally have finished refinishing my coffee table. Looks pretty good. I ended up painting it a sort of chocolaty color. I'm just waiting for the final coat of schellac to dry before putting the foamy felt pads on the bottom and starting to use it.

It is really REALLY windy today. Lights have been flickering. Sure hope the power stays on. There is no way I will wake up on time for my class otherwise.

I used to LOVE the show Twin Peaks when I was a kid. I'm watching it right now and it is just plain weird. I'm honestly not sure why I loved it so much back then. Guess I was just a plain weird kid too. Of course, all my friends loved it too. May have been a group thing. Kids are highly suggestive.

Lab Notes : A, My Name is Alice: Moniker Madness

Lab Notes : A, My Name is Alice: Moniker Madness

Ok... E, my name is Emily, I drive an Escape. The rest is totally off but I still find it an interesting article.

Stupid Greening...

I'm a little tired of "Green". In a 5-minute web excursion, I learned how to have a Green Baby, a Green Thanksgiving, a Greener car, and a Greener shower. I think fads are great, I enjoy them myself. But this one bothers me some. These people are hawking products for a greener earth, and basically implying that by switching to "Green" that I will be making the world a better place. Is it really better to take my perfectly working low-flow shower head, throw it away, and go out and purchase one that was made with ecologically sound conditions? Isn't a life of low consumption more important that Green purchasing? Will me replacing my cotton sheets with bamboo stuff make the world breathe better? Will it really reduce my environmental footprint more than reducing the amount of products I purchase in non-recycled cartons? If I reuse plastic bags, isn't that better than buying 50 new biodegradable ones? Maybe I'm just a heathen, but I don't get what the media is selling. Consumption is not the way to save the world. We need to better use what we already have.

Pitch Black...

I hate this time of year. 5:20 and pitch dark. I need to move somewhere southern. Daylight savings sucks.

What a great sport

I love that some athletes give back to thier fans. Such a small thing for him, such a big event for the kids. Neat story.

Varitek Hands Out Autographs on Halloween - FanHouse - AOL Sports Blog

More than meets the eye...

Ok. I'm 33. And that 'ol biological clock of mine is ticking louder than Big Ben. But there are times when it is SO silenced. Obviously, any weekend trip to Megalow mart is one of those times. In fact, I'm pretty sure that the screaming kids there on a Sunday afternoon shrivel three or four hundred of my eggs each time I hear them.

Spending more than a few hours with my nephews is definitely one of those times as well. I love those little boys, would step in front of some fast moving thing for them, but DAMN they can wear me out. Sometimes, it is the little stuff. The fighting, snotty noses, awful manners and behaviour when out in public. Other times it is the stuff that tells me that I am just not prepared for parenthood. I was watching Transformers with the boys tonight and noticed the little one squirming and holding himself. I asked if he had to pee. He did not. He told me that his junk was sticking up so he had to keep pushing it down. Super. I just sort of ignored it until he started a rocking motion. At that point, I plopped him down on my dad's lap and pretended that I had to pee. How the hell are you supposed to handle that? I can barely resign myself to a world where I ever think about adult masturbation-how to deal with a 4-year-old doing it is well beyond my prudish mind.

I tend to think that there is a reason that little brother was introduced in to my life aside from my parent's obvious lack of family planning. In some ways, he really filled that hole that might exist for me regarding kids of my own. Guess almost 14 years in age gap can do that. He prepared me for a lot in terms of what to expect and knowing whether or not I really want to get in to this. Of course, I don't think I ever caught him wacking off to the Transformer's movie while sitting on my lap. Sometimes, life is just super.

Of course they are scissors...

Someone sent this to me today. I'm rolling...
Quote from the mom: "This is my kindergartener's artistic rendering of a pair of scissors. I wonder what his teacher thought. I allowed myself just a small smirk when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room before I started crying, from laughing so hard."Well, of course they're scissors. If you know someone with small children or you are a teacher...you will love this! I can certainly imagine seeing this one proudly displayed on the mother's fridge at home...

Movie vs. Book...

I watched the movie: The Painted Veil recently. I just loved it and got a total crush on the main character, Walter, as played by Edward Norton. I don't normally find him attractive at all but something about this particular character appealed to me.

I decided that I needed to read the W. Somerset Maugham story the movie was based on. The book was ok, but I seem to really prefer the Hollywood adaptation. It added a sense of romance that was missing in the story. I did enjoy it enough to look in to Maugham a bit. He was quite an interesting character. I don't think I have read him before. I looked him up on Wikipedia-interesting guy. Somehow exposure to him was missed in my liberal arts education. Maybe it was the gay thing, who knows?

In my search for information of the novel, I came across these women who seem totally infatuated. It is sort of crazy. Kind of like I used to feel when thinking of New Kids on the Block or something. But these seem to be grown, adult women. Women who know where Edward Norton live, who are actually jealous of his real-life girlfriend and of the character Naomi Watts plays in the movie. Sort of scary. Makes me feel sorry for celebrities. What is wrong with people?

I will say though, that this is one of the very few times in my life that I have preferred the movie to the book. One of the very few times.

I'm a big pissy-head...

Things that make me grumpy on 10-21-2007:

• That-thanks to the MLB playoffs and certain erectile pill commercials-I know the definition of the word prioprism. Certain things I just don't need to know. Thank you Cialis.
• When you go to a bookstore and the clerk is pretty much illiterate. I purchased a classic novel by a well-known author. Anyone who went to high school would know it. That's right-it WAS Dickens. The dumb ass clerk asked me if it was a new author because she had never heard of it before. No wonder Amazon.com does so well.
• Lots and lots of things about work. 'Nuff said.
• That it is a whole month more before I get extra days off.
• When people automatically assume that you won't be interested in something. Then they leave you out and you end up feeling sad. Ok, so I don't really like football and probably wouldn't be willing to spill $50 for tickets. But it would be nice to be invited. Just so I could have the privilege of saying no.
• That a really crappy sequel can ruin great memories of a wonderful first movie. 28 Weeks Later ruined my Sunday.
• I hate when my dog sheds. Much like above-mentioned items, nothing I can control. But today it has just pissed me off.

I guess, given my current vein of absolute crappiness, I should try to talk my way out of it. So, here goes. Things that make me smile today:

• The Red Sox are totally going to the World Series barring some major 9th inning meltdown.
• That David Ortiz, right this very moment, is wearing goggles. He just rocks.
• That my dog and my grandma love me even when other crappy, mean people don't invite me to their stupid football game.
• That a baseball player named Coco Crisp exists.
• That there was a Law and Order SVU marathon on this weekend. I really like that new guy. He also pretty much kicked ass on Joe Dirt. You really can't hate someone who was in Joe Dirt, can you?
• That Thanksgiving is a 4-day weekend. I can make it that long, can't I?
• That I totally caught an episode of Smurfs on tv today too.
• That it really doesn't look like I have done anything this weekend but watch tv and that it is mostly true. And completely ok with me.

Happy birthday to me...

My 33rd birthday is almost over. I started the day in bed, reading about the marriage of Claire and Henry in "The Time Traveller's Wife" and finally forced myself to sleep around 12:30. I woke up this morning feeling ok. Sort of like this was just another day...and it was.

I got up, showered, did all that normal daily stuff like tooth brushing and toast eating that come with any other day of the year. My dad called to wish me a happy day. My mom didn't. I don't think that it is that she doesn't care, it's more that she is thoughtless sometimes. I had lunch with baby brother-my birthday gift from him.

Came home, played with the dog, ran a couple of errands. At around 4 my other brother and his kids came by. He worked on cutting my crown molding for my office while the rest of my family started to congregate. We played with the kids while they totally shredded my living room.

Went to pizza for dinner, went home and ate the beautiful cake that my mom made. She really did put a lot of time and effort in to it for me. I had asked for this cake three years ago-almost as a joke. Three years passed and I honestly had forgotten about it. Now I get the cake. I appreciate the effort and it does make me happy.

My brother gave me a baby gate for my dog. No more dog prison for Sammi. Mom and dad gave a cordless drill (I knew that it was coming since dad was tired of lending me his) and a wireless headset for my cell phone. Grandma gave a desert rose platter. It's quite pretty.

Tomorrow is my last day of vacation before the weekend. I'm going to see Harry Potter. Oh yeah, my life is one big party.

Mock-cation Wednesday...

So, it's day three of vacation week. Yesterday, I did a whole lot of nothing. I did make a roast and coated my thrift store coffee table with stripper which I just recoated because it didn't really do the trick the first time. I read quite a bit of "The Time Traveller's Wife" (excellent so far, btw). Beat my dog for a while for strewing garbage throughout the house. You know, just not a lot of everything.

Today I got up and drove 100 miles to visit my best friend for the day. We played with her kids, took her oldest to ballet camp, ate lunch, went to Target. Just stuff, spending the day together. Her 9-year-old daughter is beautiful and totally looks like a ballerina already. I never looked like that!

After I left her house, I went to the mall to go to Lane Bryant. I really needed some new jeans. They have discontinued my favorite jeans and now sell them in sizes like Red 6 and Blue 4. WTF? I was hot and sweaty and just wanted to pick up a pair of my favorite bootcut jeans that I have been buying since college. But oh, no. The sales wench tried to MEASURE me. I finally told her what my old size was and asked her to tell me where to start. I did not want to be measured. I didn't especially even want to try anything on. Don't mess with a chunky girl the day before she enters mid-life chica. While I was there, I did pick up a fairly kick-ass Where's Waldo tank top though. I'm awesome.

My brother called me today and said that he is coming tomorrow to hang my crown molding. I'm sort of taking that as a maybe until I actually see it done. I have had that crown molding waiting to be hung for six months. Guess we'll just wait and see here. At least he is bringing my nephews. I do really love those little boys.

Baby brother called and invited me to lunch for my b-day tomorrow. That's nice.

I am having a bit of a birthday crisis this year. 33 is awful close to 35 and let's be real...35 is kind of old. I'm totally going to die alone. My dog will get hungry and eat me. The school children walking by my home will see her looking out the front window with a foot in her mouth and that will be the first clue to the world that someone is dead. Hope I die on a day that the polish on my toes is looking good. Then the pound will have to destroy her because she will be a man-eater. I'm pretty sure that is a bad thing, it is on every movie where there are tigers so I'm sure it's a bad thing for dogs too.

Maybe I'll just jump Mr. P the next time I see him. I might be able to avoid mid-life aloneness that way. I'll either seduce him in to happy ever after or spend 5-10 for assault. Either way, I will be around people who will notice that I have choked on a baby carrot and died. It could work.

Noncation Week...

Today is day one of my non-cation. This year, now that I'm a home owner, I have no funds to take a real vacation. So I'm taking a non-cation instead. Some of the great things about vacation are spending time with friends and family, sleeping late, eating crap I shouldn't, relaxing, shopping. I think I can probably do all of that at or close to home for almost free.

Over the weekend, an old friend from high school was in town and spend a couple of nights. We stayed up all night talking and catching up, woke up at the crack of dawn when the damn dog tipped something over on herself and started yelping. We had breakfast and my old friend was on her way home. It was just the right amount of time for a house guest and a nice way to start out my non-cation week. So, days one and two...Spending time with friends....CHECK.

Today, I thought about taking a road trip with my mom. But then I changed my mind since the place I had in mind was about three hours away and doesn't have that much to do once you get there. Instead, I had McDonald's for lunch, went thrift store shopping and looked for a new toilet tank since mine in cracked. Now, with the exception of cursing at the cheap-o Ikea AA batteries that I just had to replace in my cordless mouse again, I'm pretty chill. So on the score card, day two...Spending time with family...CHECK, Shopping...CHECK, Eating crap that is bad for me...The McDonald's nutritional info on my McNuggets say BIG CHECK! I can't give myself full point for relaxation quite yet, but that will come. It's only Monday afternoon.

I think tonight may be a Blockbuster night for Sam and I. We'll couch chill, eat greasy popcorn and forget all about dinner. Tomorrow, I think I'll drive the hour and a half to visit my best friend, go to the mall and buy a new pair of jeans. My vacation needs list is just about filled. Wonder how I'll feel by Thursday?

Some other things that I might want to accomplish this week include refinishing and painting a couple of coffee tables that I picked up at thrift stores and waxing my car. I would also like to organize and furnish my office. Guess I'll see if I really feel up to any of that. Maybe I'll just end up spending an entire day playing Babble and games on Pogo. Guess there are worse ways to spend a week, huh?

Politics and gender...

I've been thinking politics a bit lately. Guess it is the buzz surrounding the potential candidates for the next presidential race. I was in a conversation with my grandmother, one of the most progressive 96-year-olds you could ever meet. She truly thinks that as a woman, you should vote for Hilary Clinton, simply because she is female. Qualifications aside, women should support women. Period.

I don't know how I feel about that for sure. Clinton's qualifications are more unique than any potential candidate in history. No other can say that they have observed the white house with the perspective that she has. I think I would personally be willing to vote for her on her merits alone. And the fact that she has beliefs that are very centered in the Democrat ideology.

I don't know if I could support her simply because of her sex. That seems to be as limiting as voting against her because she is female. Shouldn't the right candidate be the right candidate not due to their skin color (that's you, Obama), or their sex (Clinton) or even their political party (everyone else)?

I suppose it's food for thought for me. I am lucky that women like my grandmother existed 50 and 75 years ago. They paved a path for me in supporting each other. They made the world a place where I can choose and be who I am, not because of my sex but because of my ideas. Am I progressing with or aganst all they stood for if I make a choice based on merit, not "who" the candidate is?

Ramblings of a life incomplete...

I have been sick. Sick sick. It has not been good. This was way worse than the run of the mill cold and sniffles. I was on multiple prescriptions and yet two weeks in to the process, I still don't feel great a lot of the time. It has to go away soon, I worry otherwise.

In the mean time, work has been busy. Special project has been taking up most of my time.

I came to a realization today, he looks hot, even when he is smoking. I think smoking is about as gross as it gets, yet I still can think he looks good while doing it. Stupid me, I can dismiss something I feel so strongly about because a couple of hormones get in the way. Guess there is some girlishness in here after all.

I hate the time chaging. Why can't it just stay the same all year? Tomorrow, it will be darkish when I wake up which will make it harder to get up and go. Yech.

I need to teach class all this week. That is usually exhausting yet makes my mood uplift and motivates me a bit too. And I'm good at it, I can admit it. Here's to a good one.

Dork...

I'm sporting a mad Valentine's Day crush. He's cute, age appropriate, professional. Super nice. I don't know if he is married or not. He moved back to the area to care for an ailing family member. Wonder if it's the holiday that's got me thinking about him? I don't normally sport a jr. high style crush. Oh well, they can be fun, right? I'm so stupid...

Tears of the day...

I've been a little moody lately. And by a "little" I mean I am an absolute rollercoaster of ups and downs and by "moody" I mean and huge, giant asshole. Things make me tear up, laugh hard and feel incredibly pissy. Mostly things dealing with work.

Last week was a bad week. My car caught on fire, it broke down, the garbage man tore down the phone lines from my house and I had no telephone or internet for three days. Maybe all of that is why I have had a recent tear of the day.

Sunday-I cried while watching Hogan Knows Best on VH1. It was so stupid. My dad and brothers always watched wrestling, went to the arena shows, saw the matches, watched on tv. I always hated it because it was so violent, so unnecessary and so staged. So I was watching Hulk Hogan fight or wrestle and his kid was watching him on tv from home. He got cut and got hurt-and she started to cry. It somehow made it more real, more realistic than anything else I have seen.

Monday-I was reading a trashy romance novel. The sub-couple (the ones who are the friends or relatives of the main characters) finally admitted their love as normally happens and I just lost it. Something about the dialogue just hit me. They put to words how lonely I feel and how jealous I am of this stupid, not really well written fictional couple. And how I wish I could find with someone what that pretend couple has.

Stupid, I know. But I am feeling pretty lonely lately. And lonely in a different way. There are people around me a lot of the time, but I want to find that one person and he is hiding from me. I want to feel loved and feel like there is someone who really understands me and wants to be with me, even when I am an emotional basket case who is both sad and frustrated and bitchy all at once for a week each month.

Nothing has made me cry yet today. I still have four hours to go until Tuesday is over though. Guess there is still time.

Cinematic fool...

I'm in a movie phase right now. I think I've rented five or six movies in the last week. I watched Lady in the Water today. I didn't think it was as bad as I expected. It was ok, kind of a sweet bedtime story for adults. A little kid would have been bored stiff and I was puttering around the house doing other stuff while watching it. The reviews for it were awful. I tend to think that most of the people watching it were expecting the same caliber of great movie that M. Night whatshisname usually makes and this was a different movie entirely. Not bad, not good-it was ok...

I also watched the Descent this weekend. That movie kind of freaked me out, but not because of the man-eating batmen in the cave. It was the scenes where the women were squeezing thought tiny, tight passages that made me uncomfortable. I felt kind of claustrophobic though the entire thing.

So, to get the freaked out taste from my mouth, I followed that up with Clerks II. What a piece of crap. Maybe it's my mindset-when I saw the original I was 19 or so. Now at 32 I just can't appreciate the humor as much, I suppose. I did see the original a while back and thought it was pretty damn funny though so who knows. I know that the only time when I really laughed was during the donkey show-easily the most disgusting part of the movie. Maybe there is a little of my 19-year-old humor left. My little bro who is coincidentally almost 19, LOVED it. To each their own, I suppose.

Speaking of which, I need to get him a b-day gift asap. Since there is no mall in town, everything must be ordered and I would hate for it not to be here on time. Think I can get an American Eagle order here by the 27th?

Reading...

I went to the library for the first time in YEARS over my Christmas break from work. I don't know that I had been there since I was a kid. Some things have been updated-no more microfiche. Some things have not-the SAME nasty old ladies still work there. They used to scare the holy hell out of me when I was a kid and frankly, they still do a little bit. I should have been a librarian.

I checked out Practical Magic by Alice Hoffman. Great book. I thought the movie was enjoyable, nothing horrible but also nothing wonderful. I had heard that the book was better. I know that if I had read this book first, I would have HATED the movie.

Thinking about it made me ponder-if you love the book is it impossible for the movie to be any good? Someone asked recently what my favorite movie adaptation of a book was and I couldn't answer. Yeah, there are a few great ones but they were mostly made back in the Golden Age. To Kill A Mockingbird really can't be beat. But overall, the movies come up lacking. I wonder, would I have actually enjoyed The DaVinci Code if I hadn't read the book first? Probably not, but I guess you never know.

There was a quote in the last passage of the book that I thinkwas in the movie too. Here goes...

There are some things, after all, that Sally Owens knows for certain: Always throw spilled salt over your left shoulder. Keep rosemary by your garden gate. Add pepper to your mashed potatoes. Plant roses and lavender, for luck. Fall in love whenever you can.

That just made me smile.

Now I am reading a novel by Elie Wiesel called The Gates of the Forest. I think his writing is splendid. I really enjoyed "Night" (thank you Oprah for the exposure) but it is a bit of a downer as well.

I don't know why, but I really am interested in reading about the holocaust. I secretly believe that my family on my mom's side was Jewish. I think they decided to change that about themselves when they immigrated from the Czechoslovakia/Polish boarder at the turn of the century. There is a picture that my grandmother had of her oldest brother. He sure looked a lot like that Adrian Brody guy who played the Pianist. Jewish features, nose. He died of the flu during WWI. Some of the things my grandmother said about the family's traditions make me think that it is a definite possibility. How sad it must have been to decide to deny your background out of fear or want for ease of persecution. Must be like what some gays feel like today.

Wonder where that picture is today? Hopefully one of my aunts has it somewhere safe so that someone can remember that young man who died too young too long ago.

I hate that I have a fascination with some things... The holocaust, Mary Kay Letourneau, E!. It makes me feel a little shallow and a little morbid all at the same time.

Sick sick world...

My boss said something so horrifying to me today. She recently got a kitten from somewhere. It had been abandoned and when she saw it she fell in love.

Apparently, said kitten is annoying. It has a meow that is loud and piercing and fairly continuous in the morning. The meowing disturbs her while she puts on her makeup in preparation for work. So she is taking the cat to the vet to see if they will sever the animal's vocal cords. I know the vet, he is a pretty old, crusty man. I have to hope that he will tell her to get the hell out of the office. But if it can be done, I'm sure that there is somewhere in town that will be willing to do it for her.

When she said this, I actually put my hand over my mouth in horror-hoping she was making a sick joke. I am completely disgusted. This is a thousand times worse than people who dock tails or clip ears, or even people who declaw. This is just inhumane. I'm disgusted.